Tornado

My mind is a jumbly mess right now. This will be a mess. That's sort of how my life is right now though so I guess that's appropriate.

I have thought of one zillion and two things to write in the last 4 months. None of them ever make it to the screen. All the things just bounce around and around in my head. I'm about to explode and need to get some of them out.

First off a house is just a house. It is just brick, wood, and what not. A home is SO SO much more. A home is your security. It's where when the rest of the world is crazy you can go to find your zen. It's your hide-a-way from the rest of the world. A little piece of the world that is YOURS. In your home you know where everything is and how to find it in the dark. When your baby is sick and needs vicks at 3 a.m. you know exactly where to find it in your sleepy stupor. Even beyond your walls there is your community, your neighbors, your gym, your park, those people down the street that have a flag on their door for every season you may not know them but you know they will always have a decorative flag and there is comfort in predictability, the lady that greets you at Walmart, the workers at the grocery store, you  may not even realize it but you recognize so many more people that you even know and there is comfort in that. It helps make up your home. There were a few people I could always count on walking past our house at a certain time. They would be out with their dogs and we may exchange a few pleasantries or just a nod but we "knew" each other. This is what I miss.

 Eislynn is already asking if we will be able to go to "touch down Washington" games this fall. That's what she calls football. In all likely hood we will not be home before football season ends. This makes me sad. We won't be able to ride our bikes to the field to watch. We wont be able to play out back in the crisp fall air and hear the band play or the announcer yell "touch down Washington". It may seem silly that this is what I am sad about, but it is incredibly hard to actually explain what this is like.

I didn't just lose my house/home. I lost my routine. I lost what I do from day to day. I am a mom. My home is my job and my solace. I can no longer take my kids to the park near our house. I can't take my kids to any of the parks where we may run in to our friends. We have to make play dates where friends have to drive 20+ minutes to see us. We can't do our morning routine of running to the gym and grocery store. The gym is no longer 3 minutes away. It is now a big ordeal to go there. Eislynn's school is no longer 5 minutes away. I must leave 30 minutes earlier and I can't come home while she is there. I used to be able to go home maybe do some laundry, wash the floors, prep dinner just whatever I needed to do while Graham took his morning nap. Watch a non kid show, take a walk on the bike trail with Graham sleeping in the stroller, just anything. Now I drive around. I drive around a city that a tornado ripped to shreds. Four months later it still brings instant tears when I see an elderly couple looking over the rubble of their home. Will they find one last treasure? Is this their last look before they put their lot up for sale? There are some I recognize. I didn't know many of them but I recognize them. They took such pride in their lawns and homes. They took their grandchildren for rides on their riding lawn mowers on Sunday's.

So that's some of the frustrating things. I still have no end in sight. That's frustrating. I NEED to know this will end. I need my house to get started so I have an end date. At this point I don't have an end date and that is so hard. All I know is I am not even half way through this.

To not sound all doomy and gloomy I should add there are so many blessings. So many amazing people have come to our aid. Friends, family, and even strangers from all over have helped us out beyond anything we could even ask and for that we are exceedingly grateful. I can't even begin to mention all the people and how they've helped us because we have been just THAT blessed. Blessed beyond words.

One Year

1 Samuel 1:27-28

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

27 For this boy I prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of Him.

I can hardly believe my sweet baby man is already one year old. As I cuddled him to sleep this morning I was overcome by how beautiful and perfect I find him. From his bright red hair and silly ears to his chubby little feet. It is so odd that there was a time I wasn't sure I would ever have another baby and now I have two healthy beautiful children.


This has been the craziest year of our lives. A baby, a tornado, a car crash and a zillion things in between.


There are so many things I could say about this crazy baby but I will sum it up to this: Graham bam, you are a blessing. You are a sweetheart. I have a feeling we are about to find out what a strong willed kid really is. We were so sure your sister was one...we are starting to second guess that assessment. You know what you want and that's not always a bad thing :) Your smile warms my heart and your laugh is pretty awesome. I hope you keep your sunny disposition. I am excited to see what this next year will bring.


To Eislynn on your brothers first birthday: You are the best big sister. You have been such a help this past year and I love to see you play with your brother. You are both so lucky to have each other. I am so proud of you.

muffins

Today has been a day of questions. Eislynn is FULL of them. Which is perfect because she's almost 4 so I'm glad she is interested in learning. It is cold and rainy and blueberries are on sale for .99 a pint so pretty much nature forced my hand at making muffins. What's a girl to do really? So a trip to the grocery store was deemed necessary. With a toddler and a baby you only go to the grocery store when necessary. Today Eislynn REALLY wanted to pay for groceries. She got her purse ready, filled it with some change, told me I was not supposed to bring my wallet because she was buying, but then I had to tell her that I was probably going to have to buy them. "BUT MOM, I never ever, in my whole life, ever have got to buy groceries" Ok grab your purse lets go. Throughout the store which is hard to navigate at the moment since it's in total reconsturction mode she had 101 questions. I answered most. At the checkout she pushed ahead of me "mom, I need to give them the money I need to stand over there." Well, her $1.30 in change wasn't going to cut it. So I slipped her a $50 and told her I took it from her piggy bank so she was still paying with her money. Just so we are clear...I don't steal money from my daughters piggy bank. She pays the lady and we are off. We get home and I realize I forgot eggs...so off to a DIFFERENT grocery store we go because 1. we ARE making muffins today and 2. I can't go back to the same one how embarrassing.
Here comes the learning experience, for both of us. Eislynn gets to learn about measuring, what a 1/3 of a cup means, how to crack an egg, how to zest and orange, how to mix without making everything fly out of the bowl. I get to learn patience, that a mess can be cleaned, and to just let go a bit. I would say that some people that know me imagine I LOVE to bake with my child. I actually sort of hate it, not because of her, but because I am too type A. I clean as I go, put ingredients away as soon as I use them, that sort of thing. She loves it though and I need to do these things with her while she actually still wants to do them with me. She was SO proud of herself for cracking that egg. Meanwhile we have questions. A million. What does cinnamon smell like? Saying cinnamon is not enough.."well does it smell like toast? a waffle? a dog? peanut butter? I think it should smell like peanut butter" At one point I had to say I need to think for just one minute so I can't answer questions. I needed to read the recipe and couldn't with all the questions. She says "oh, right, yeah...you need to think. What are you thinking about, being a kitty?" This is where I have 2 options. 1. I say no and then she proceeds to ask what I am thinking about or 2. I say yes. So yes, I am thinking about being a kitty. She laughs and says "Oh yeah that would be so funny, when we would go to the store people would say hey that girls mom is a kitty" If I had made these muffins alone we wouldn't have had that moment. In that moment I am reminded of just how awesome she is. If she was watching word girl instead we wouldn't have had that.  While I was cleaning up Graham woke up so I asked her to go talk to him for a minute so I could clean up and then get him. She went into the toy room where he had been napping and pulled out her little piano and sang him a song about how much she loves him. Goodness I love those two.

While making my muffins a friend text me a question about baking. I was happy to get this text because it said to me "Hey, I think you aren't a total mess and know things about things" However, my answer was as follows "hmmm not sure the last time i tried to make a healthier muffin even a squirrel wouldn't eat it in a snow storm...literally that happened" I was flattered none the less. For real though, once during a storm I was baking and the muffins just didn't turn out. We saw a squirrel out back digging through the snow looking for food. We tossed him a muffin and I think his exact words were "no, I'm good I found some dirt"

Our muffins turned out yummy today. Here is the recipe if you want some too. http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/blueberry_maple_muffins.html
and here is Eislynn ready to go to the store and pay with her very own money. She insisted on wearing pjs..whatever.

my heart:

evolution

I saw something on facebook recently about moms. It was something like "25 quotes about moms" something along those lines. Anyways, one of them was "If evolution really worked, how come mothers only have two hands" by Milton Berle. Well dear sir women can most certainly do enough with the two hands they do have and any more would run them into the ground :). Let me explain. I thought of this while I was feeding G the other day. He was laying in my arms and I was holding his bottle with one hand. E asked me to play with her and I told her I couldn't at the moment because I was feeding her brother. That's when she pointed out that I could actually play with her because I still had one hand, the one under G. So she put a little people princess in my hand and we played. This got me thinking about all I do or feel I need to do. It's no secret that women are generally better at multi-tasking then men, but lately I have almost been amazed at how many things I can do at one time with only two hands. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more. I think if I had more that I would feel I should be doing even more yet and there in lies the answer to Mr. Berle's question. At least with only two hands there is a limit to what a mother can do. She must take time to slow down and only do the 25 things she can do at once instead of trying to do 50. G likes to be worn in a wrap. I have found that when I am holding him in his wrap which frees up both my hands I can do quite a bit. One evening, the evening I realized I was doing too much, I was wearing G, baking muffins (from scratch not a box), making chicken alfredo with sauteed mushrooms and green peppers, and doing all the dishes as I went a long so I wouldn't have to do them after I did all of this. This was actually quite a lot to do while having a baby strapped to the front of me, however, I did it and survived. Anyways, mothers not having more hands is a matter of survival. If I could have been doing more things I would have, and maybe not survived ;) In a way I guess I'm proving that evolution does work? or not? I haven't had enough sleep to really know what I'm talking about, what I do know is God knew what he was doing and made us exactly as we are supposed to be.

Photo Post

Whoa, lots just happened in a month! Graham was born, we fly to North Dakota for my brother's wedding, Graham was baptized, we flew home again and almost got stuck in Denver, just life. Things are finally slowing down there have been about 100 different blog posts I have thought about writing over the past month. So many emotions and so much going on. Instead I am going to just post lots of pictures. :)

Love these two with all my heart


Pure Joy

A love like no other...great grandma


The best friend a girl could have

First easter

baptism blanket made out of his Great Grandma Rose's wedding gown

Baptism

brother's wedding

one of my favorite pics, when I took it my first thought was "God is good" I already knew this but something
about how sweet and innocent the photo is only affirms it. :)

Love:

The quilt his great aunt made for him!

Professional pics:
  
 

Less than 12 hours to go, we've got this.

I just put my "baby" girl to bed as an only child for the last time. So weird. I have been trying not to focus on "lasts" lately and keep in mind all the wonderful "firsts" that are about to come our way instead. I did still soak up every last minute with her though. We read an extra book and talked a few extra minutes. Then I sang her "Night Mantra" by Renee and Jeremy and rubbed her back and belly. Just when I thought she was sleeping she whispered "Sing some more, sing the song about me" which is just the tune of "Left and Leaving" by the weakerthans but with my own words all about how she's such a good/sweet girl. I may have missed my calling as a indie music children's cover writer...or not. She likes it though.


Silly story time. Because the next few weeks are going to take a toll on me physically and mentally I need to record this story so it doesn't get lost in the memories because it's sort of a gem, to me. The other day Eislynn came up to my room and asked me if she could have some gum. She has never had gum. I have told her in the past she couldn't  have it because it would hurt her throat. As I imagine choking is not good for your throat, so this is mostly true! I figured since she is 3 1/2, pretty smart for her age, and with her grandma that sure she could try a piece of gum. I said "Sure, but just so you know you can't swallow it. You have to chew it and then when you are done you spit it out." She looked at me all serious and said "Oh, that's too hard I HAVE to swallow" I said "Well you can't swallow the gum but you can swallow in general" she said "Oh no that's too hard, remember you don't let me have gum, I don't want gum anymore." Then she thought for a moment and said, in her cute way with hand gestures "MAYYYYYBE I will chew gum after I go see like a gum teacher?" I laughed and told her there isn't such a person and that her grandma or I could most certainly show her how to chew gum. She said "No, I will just wait till I am older and have a gum teacher. Not a teacher made out of gum, but a teacher that teaches gum." She is outrageous. She keeps us laughing all the time. It is so crazy to me that tomorrow I will have another child and that I will love them and think they are just as awesome as she is because she definitely sets the bar high. I am pretty excited.

One month

One month from today is the big day! Unless he decides otherwise we will meet out little man exactly one month from today. I am at that point where my belly is so big it's humorous and apparently my dryer is shrinking all of my clothes. I should get that thing checked out. It only seems to be shrinking my stuff. The little guy is still really active. It's so weird because E wasn't really even half as active as he is. She moved, but he is crazy.

Today is Valentine's Day. Last year's Valentine's day was HARD. It was my grandpas funeral. It was beautiful in that it is a day for love and my grandparents were the perfect example of love. It is a day to be with the ones you love and we were surrounded with loved ones. Saying good bye is still very hard. This year I wanted to have a happier day. E and I went to my doctor appointment and then out for lunch and frozen yogurt. My doctor appt was long but E was awesome the whole time. Baby is measuring in the 60 percentile with an estimated birth weight of 8 lbs. He is measuring a week a head so 36 weeks instead of 35. Considering he will be taken out at 39 weeks being a week a head is much better than behind.

Thanks to some great friends Cole and I got to go out the other night for my birthday/Valentine's Day. We went to a place we hadn't been before, The Rythm Kitchen, it was delicious. I had a salmon blt and now I just want another one hehe :). Today C text me and asked if Eislynn had given me anything special for Valentine's Day. She hadn't, infact she told me she forgot to get me something. A few minutes after I got that text she came running screaming HAPPY VALENTINE"S DAY and had a fake rose with glitter and a bag of m&m's. She told me it was hidden under her bed. She was so proud. She got to pick it out herself. She loves to have surprises for people. She has something for my birthday tomorrow and if I mention my birthday she gives Cole a silly look or whispers "don't tell her we got anything". It's adorable.

35 weeks

We finished off the day by making homemade pizza for supper. We have decided to call it "punch" pizza because you have to knead the dough or "punch it" to make it tasty :)

baby's name

Picking out Eislynn's name seemed much easier than this baby's name. We liked it, it just seemed to click, and that was that.It has fit her from the moment she was born. Maybe I just have an easier time with girl names. Eislynn would be Eislynn or Brynn. End of discussion. No trips to the baby name section of the book store needed :). No pouring over name lists on the internet. This time however, we are having a bit more trouble picking a name. Eislynn is really stuck on a name she made up, Bayna, so I wanted to give her some other options to think about. Up till this point we haven't really said the names we have in mind in front of her because we don't want her telling everyone. She picked one name from the list I gave her and kind of stuck with it. She has came up with a few extra's like Papa wahpa but nothing serious. Once again this is a story I felt the need to record:

Last night we were skyping with her grandma and she tried to blurt out the baby's name. Again he doesn't really have one yet it's just the one she thinks we have decided on. I covered her mouth and it didn't get out :) When we were going to bed I told her you really shouldn't tell people that your brother's name is Bayna (changing names for this story in case we use one :)) She said "But I really like that name, he will like it" I said, "Yes, but we haven't decided what his name will be for sure yet. What if he is born and he doesn't look like a Bayna he looks like a Norton (again changing the real name)." She looked at my like I had just said the silliest thing, reached over, pinched my nose, and said "OH mom he won't look like that name! He will look like a naked baby" Touche my child touche.

cuddly nap time

I am typing with some hand and with my phone so please forgive errors. I feel the need to record this moment. E was rather cranky and I insisted we rock together. This is something we haven't done in months. She doesn't take naps anymore. By the glow of our Christmas tree I rocked my little girl to sleep while we listened to the Sujfan Stevens Holiday Pandora station. Normally during nap time I would try to get a few things done and have some "me" time. Today I  am going to sit here in my comfy chair cuddling my girl in front of the Christmas tree, because I know I may never get another moment like this one.

growing up

I know I have already posted about E and what she wants to be when she grows up, but this story deserves another post about it. I want to remember it always.

She is always thinking and talking about what she wants to be when she grows up. Most recently it was a doctor. She will talk about how you have to go to school and teachers will teach you how to be a doctor. She is very interested in how that all works and how you become one. She talked about it all the time. That was until one particular conversation we had.
I was telling her about how she is my good girl and should be my little girl forever and ever. She said she will be my little girl then she will grow up and be a doctor and then she will be my little girl again. I didn't realize it would shatter her world but I told her she wouldn't get to be a little girl again but she would always be my girl. She got the biggest sad eyes, her little lip stuck out, and she looked so sad. Her lip trembled and she asked "I won't get to be little again?" I said "No, you only get older you don't get younger again." She cried and through her tears she looked around the room and said "But I will miss my toys so much" This wasn't one of those times when she cries for some odd reason and it's sort of a tantrum and not adorable. This was cute and sort of actually sad! I had completely rocked her world. I tried to soothe her. I told her about how she would maybe have a little girl of her own and she would get to buy her toys to play with. She thought I meant Cole and I would get a new little girl and that girl would play with her toys and that really got her upset! I did some more soothing. By the time she went to bed (of course this all happened at bed time) she was satisfied knowing that mommy and daddy play with her toys and we are grown ups so she won't be banned from all toys simply because she has grown up.
That all happened a week or two ago. I didn't really think much of it but now I realize she hasn't really talked much about what she will be when she grows up anymore. Today when we were talking to her uncle Andrew I told her to tell him what she wants to be when she grows up. She looked at my seriously and said "No mom remember the other day? I don't want to grow up anymore" I LOVE THAT GIRL. I am totally fine with her not growing up for a long time. :)

Whoooah we're half way there

Today, because my math isn't so good, I have been thinking about how crazy it is that I am half way through this pregnancy. The chorus to the song "Living on a Prayer" has been in my head since yesterday. At some point today I realized a week from today is actually half way but that's not important. I have still been thinking about it quite a bit. Today I am 18 weeks and 4 days along. I am counting 19 weeks and 4 days as half way since I will have to have a c-section at 39 weeks. Which should be March 14th if all goes as planned.

I have felt the baby move a few times a day over the past week or so. It's such a crazy thing. Soon these little kicks will get much stronger and be more frequent. I still have thoughts from time to time that this could all be taken away at any moment, this is true though for any pregnant women regardless of her history. All my losses were very early and I have only made it this far with Eislynn and my current pregnancy. The other night I had the first twinge of "it's not supposed to be like this" that I have had this pregnancy. Until now I have just been grateful, so so very grateful, for each day that I have made it through. The other night though after giving myself  particularly painful shot I looked at my bruised up belly and let out a few tears. It was a fleeting moment of feeling sorry for myself but it was still real. I know many women have had to go through worse things to get/stay pregnant or have not been able to have children at all. I do feel blessed that I have been given this gift but sometimes those shots hurt and lately they have been bruising more than usual. I just have to believe that in  just a few months I will be holding my new baby and all this pain will be just a memory. It will become a story of love and endurance; the story of a baby who was very much so wanted and loved before HE ever arrived. :)

studies

I read an article recently talking about a new study published about recurrent pregnancy loss. I have heard of a similar study before and couldn't agree more with it's findings. Basically it took a look at "super-fertile" women. Women who get pregnant very easily but then miscarry just as easily. I feel like I fall into this category. I have been pregnant 7 times. Each of those times I got pregnant the first month we tried. This is not typical. The average healthy couple should get pregnant within one year of trying and each month you have about a 25% chance of getting pregnant. Getting pregnant on the first time every time 7 times is very unlikely. The idea here is that an overly fertile woman's uterus is basically not fussy. It is not capable of distinguishing good from bad embryos. In a month where a good embryo is not available most women just won't get pregnant but a super fertile women's uterus will implant even a bad embryo, one that has no chance of survival. So it's kind of a numbers game really. You need to get pregnant on a month where there is a good embryo waiting to implant. (A little side note I got Eislynn a shirt for Easter that said "mommy's good egg" to me it was a tongue in cheek nod to this theory. To anyone that saw her it was a cute Easter shirt :) I told Cole my thought process when I bought the shirt...I think he thought I had gone crazy)

I think this theory is probably the one that best applies to me. I don't think I should have ever had one single drop of those intralipids I paid so much for and put so much faith in. I don't know that I believe I actually need to be on lovenox right now either but I've come this far and I'm not going to stop taking it now! I think the most important part (medically) was finding something/someone to believe in. Our new RE was so refreshing in the way he wasn't making any promises. He pretty much said "Do I think you will have another baby? Given your medical history and tests that have been run, yes. Can I tell you how or when? No." Although this doesn't sound THAT comforting it strangely was. He still had a plan and a back up plan for if we wanted to be more aggressive, but he wasn't saying he knew exactly what was going on. My last RE acted like he KNEW what the problem was and he HAD the solution. He didn't though. Doctors know very little about recurrent miscarriage and even less when it comes to unexplained recurrent miscarriage.

This Wednesday I have a 3d Ultrasound with my RE. It will be the last one I have with them and then I will be released to the care of my OB. This is a huge step. I never thought I would make it. There are still times I can't believe I am pregnant and that it's actually going well. I think part of me thought we would be a family of three forever. We were a happy little family of 3 but one more is what we were wanting!

no big deal

Tonight was.....amusing? While saying prayers with Eislynn I got a little giggle when she thanked God for "the dinosaurs being dead" because ya know they might step on her house if they were still around so she was thankful they are extinct. It was one of those nights where she was up and down a handful of times but finally I thought she was sleeping so I went downstairs. I was reading a blog about moms. About letting go a bit and how even if you feel like you are failing you really aren't..blah blah blah that kind of stuff. Then I hear it. The little pitter patter of feet. Then a tiny quiet little voice "mom, I'm sorry I pooped my pants" At this point I don't have anything left to do but laugh (while trying not to). I tell her it's ok and we will get it all cleaned up. She apologized again and I again said it was ok and we needed to go get cleaned up. I ask if there is any in her bed or just in her underwear. Luckily it was only a tiny little one in her underwear and made for very easy clean up. A few more times in her cute sleepy voice she says "sorry for doing that". No big deal, this is only the second accident she has had at night time since being potty trained a few months ago. I took the underwear off and set them with the ones that were already in the sink from an hour ago when she was on the toilet but somehow still managed to pee on her underwear and pj pants. All in a days work. :)

beauty in the day

I don't know who this post is for or why I feel the need to write it. It's more than anything for myself now and my future self. Tonight I have felt compelled to write about my day. It was nothing fantastic or out of the ordinary but that's also what made it so beautiful. It was kind of a perfectly balanced day. There were the usual stresses that come with the territory of raising a small child but there were the simple pleasures as well. Our day started a bit rough. There was crying and screaming (by the 2 year old not me) before breakfast even started. However, that was also a learning moment. A learning moment for each of us. I explained she couldn't behave that way and gave her an alternative way to express what she wanted to me. This helped us both and we moved on. At 9 two of our friends came over while their mom went to an appointment. Two other friends joined us for play time as well. It went as smoothly as can go with a house full of 4 children all under 4 needing to share, behave, play nice. We had fun though with very minimal crying all around. E and I then went and got lunch at Subway and brought it to the park. There was no one else there and we had each other's full attention. We sat and talked. We talked about silly things, about funny dreams, about Barney, about why the doodlebops weren't at the park with us even though E really would like them to be, about why Tinker Bell doesn't live in our backyard and where it is she does possibly live in comparison to our back yard, about the school across the street and the kids playing outside, about school and she told me she really hopes the kids in Grandma Darlene's class are nice to her and have good manners because that's what she will do when she goes to school, about the night before when her and a girl hit heads at the park and instead of saying sorry and moving on E cried because she felt bad; we discussed what the right thing to do in this situation would be so now she knows if something like that happens again. This was the best part of the day. Just the two of us hanging out talking about life. I think that truly talking and truly listening is such a lost art these days. I didn't once pick up my phone to look at it, the tv wasn't on in the background, it was just us in the shade at our tiny picnic table. This is not a moment we have every day but it should be.

The rest of the day was just as usual as most. Played at home, made supper, hung out with Cole for a bit, gave E a bath while we skyped with grandma Darlene, read both grandma Darlene and grandma Rita Ann a bed time story (Chicka Chicka BOOM BOOM because E has it pretty much memorized), said our prayers and E went to bed. Leaving me with time to talk to LeeAnn and then watch Supernatural with Cole. I think it was when I was telling LeeAnn part of E and I's conversation at the park and I got a bit teary eyed that I realized how precious that moment really truly was. I guess I just felt compelled to record the memory to read it again someday maybe when E is moving off to college or maybe when she is about to get married or when she has a little girl of her own.

These are also the days that I can appreciate God's plan. I think about had we already had another baby this exact day wouldn't have happened. Yes, I will have days like this with both E and the second child but this day was just as it should be, it was perfect.

Coincidence?

The other night something rather freaky happened. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it really didn't mean anything and was just a coincidence....but I don't think so. It was like a very literal sign from the universe or God or someone..grandpa? I don't know let me just tell you about it.

I was laying in bed with E listening to the Pandora radio lullaby station as we often do after we read our stories and say our prayers. We cuddle for a few minutes to some music then I leave and ideally she doesn't get up and out of bed 10 times and just goes to sleep :) Anyways, I was about to turn the music off when the song "Closer to Love" come on. It was sort of a surprise because although the station plays all kinds of music from actual kids lullabies to songs by Iron and Wine, I had never heard this particular song on Pandora. It is the song I immediately thought of after I heard my last pregnancy wasn't going to happen. Part of the lyrics are

I'm gonna get there soonYou're gonna be there tooCrying in your roomPraying Lord come throughWe're gonna get there soon
Oh, it's your lightOh, it's your wayPull me out of the darkJust to show me the way
Crying out nowFrom so far awayYou pull me closer to loveCloser to love
Not sure how to unhighlight that. I just copied and pasted it, oh well. Anyways, so i listened to the song and was going to turn it off after that song. I listened to it and was thinking and worrying about my current pregnancy. What would this ultrasound show this coming week? Would this one end just like all the others? I was just laying there worrying. The song was over and I turned off Pandora. The next song kept playing. I was annoyed becaue I was trying to get E to sleep and had decided to turn off the music and it wouldn't stop. It was off the Pandora icon was gone from my phone but the song was still playing. Then it hit me what the music was saying it was a version of the song "Everything's gonna be alright" I normally don't really even like that song but it was a nice version. My phone was literally playing a song that was saying "don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright" over and over it was saying that. Once I realized what it was saying it finally quit playing. I realize from time to time Pandora plays for just a second after you turn it off..but it played for a long time and until I realized what it was saying. Maybe I am over analyzing(and a tad crazy..which is partly true)..but it felt like the kind of "coincidence" that is sort of yelling at you saying seriously how much more obvious can I be here lady.

Viable

Viable, the word swirled around in my head the whole way home. I can not believe he said viable. This is not a term I am used to hearing unless the word "not" is in front of it.

I had an ultrasound on Tuesday. I had my self braced, emotions and hopes guarded, I was prepared for what route I would take when he told me that sorry once again this one won't be the one. I took deep breathes over and over to try and slow my heart a bit as it raced while I watched the clock waiting for Dr. G to come in. He turned on the machine I saw the sac but didn't see anything in it and my fears were confrimed...until Dr. G said this looks like a viable pregnancy in the uterus (first making sure it wasn't ectopic). I think the only thing I said was something along the lines of "seriously?" or "for real?". He continued  on taking measurement including measuring the beats per minute of the baby that although it was hardly a little fuzzy looking spot was still a baby and it had a heart beat. He told me that he obviously can't make any guarantees but that there is no indication that this pregnancy won't work out. Everything is the right size, shape, and in the correct place. I just laid their silently I don't really even know how to react to good news :) He told me about how he had a lady earlier in the day and he baby had passed by the third ultrasound but they knew it didn't look promising from the start. I will have another ultrasound this coming Tuesday. I feel like if I see that precious little fuzzy ball and it has grown into more of a bean and still has a heart beat then I may finally be able to admit that this could be my rainbow baby.

I have been so sick all week. I haven't felt like the best mommy to E. She has been a trooper and a real sweetheart though!

So Proud.

E has been trying to convince me for a few weeks now that she doesn't need to wear "a baby diaper" to bed. I however am just now remembering what it's like to sleep through the night! It took her a while but she got there :). Anyways, finally last night I gave in. She has been watching the diapers go down daily asking if they are gone yet, telling me at night time she just wants panties, I finally decided I better listen to her instead of myself before she changes her mind. So at 7:15 this morning a dry little girl came to wake me up for breakfast. So proud. We have many more nights to go but it's nice to start out on a good note.

side note

This story is a perfect example of why you shouldn't say to someone who just had a miscarriage "it's all in God's plan" I believe God wants me to have another baby but I do not believe he wants me to go through the pain of miscarriages that is just an added step that is happening in the process. I REFUSE to believe God wanted this lady to have a baby at this point in her life. If it was seriously up to God people like her would be infertile not the many wonderful caring couples out there who are. Just saying. I realize there is alot more to it. Alot more to "the plan". Things are never as black and white as they seem. There isn't really much you can say to someone going through this besides sorry that sucks.
 http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/mother-drives-5-week-old-top-car-164426051--abc-news-topstories.html

Happy.

I have been thinking lately. Scary, I know. And one thing that I have noticed is I am very happy and very content. Don't take this post the wrong way I so very much so would like to have another baby. Cole and I both would love to add another child to our family, but at the same time I think it's good to realize that we are still happy.

I think so often these days it's easy to get caught up in the whirl wind of "things" making you happy. If I have another baby then I'll be happy. If I lose 20lbs then I'll be happy. If I get that promotion then I'll be happy. If I get X then that equals happy. Nothing can make you happy if you are not already content. When I think of the happiness we will feel when we finally get to bring a new baby into this family it fills me with so much hope and happiness. I could almost cry at the thought of what that will feel like. It makes me that happy to think about. Yet at the same time I am enjoying my time and my life as it is in this moment. This has really been shown to me a few different times over the past few weeks and I am very grateful for these moments. I need these moments. I need to write about them so if we have another loss I can go back and read this and be reminded that things are good. A few of my older positive posts really helped me through my most recent loss.

This morning Eislynn didn't get up until almost 8 (amazing). She came in to our room and got into bed with Cole and I. We all cuddled as a family and I was wondrously overjoyed and happy. Eislynn asked if we could get up and have breakfast and I told her I needed one more minute to lay there and be happy with my lovely little family. It didn't feel as though something, someone was missing. We were just happy.

I am so grateful that I have a been able to have a decent handle on my emotions and feelings about my losses. This doesn't mean I haven't had some very low lows. I most certainly have. Dark moments, feelings of inadequacy, hate for people that have kids and don't appreciate it, and a few good meltdowns in between.

Something that I know so many women struggle with is seeing babies that were born around the time their's would have been. This is a very legitimate feeling, very real , very raw. One that I would have expected myself to have. However, somehow this feeling has escaped me. A friend came over with her baby that was due the same week in April that I was. He is perfect and tiny and a little miracle. I was surprised that I didn't feel sorrow when I held him. In fact, and again don't get me wrong,  I was sort of glad that I got to hand him back! Knowing my daughter would brush her own teeth and use the potty and go to sleep through the night, while they were going home to a much different situation! Of course when my time comes I will be thankful for those sleepless nights, those horrific blowouts, cranky baby, teething, all the bad that comes with the good. I had to ponder this feeling. Why was I totally unscathed by this? Why doesn't this pull at my heart like I know it does to so many others? I couldn't really come up with an answer other than I just KNOW I will have another baby someday and when that day comes I will be overcome with joy. I will elate in what God has given me. Until then I am very grateful that I have been able to live in the here and now and appreciate what He has already given. Right now I have an amazingly wonderful smart hilarious little daughter, a wonderful husband, great family and friends, comfortable house, and so many other countless blessings. Right now I am thankful and I am happy.

What I am trying to get at is there is nothing that will make you happy unless you are happy with yourself.

I feel like no one can be as happy as a child though! Such unflinching faith, love and joy.

Grown up.

Eislynn is very into talking about what she will do when she is bigger. But as she says "not super super big, just regular big" Right now she is a "tiny big" She is always asking Cole and I what we will be someday when we are grown up too. The other week she was asking Cole if he wanted to be a fire fighter when he grows up. I said well daddy is grown up and he's an engineer. This sort of annoyed her and she said "NOOO you have to do something that you want to do. Maybe like a fire fighter or a bus driver"

Today she asked me what I want to be when I grow up. Again I said I am grown up and I would like to be a mommy. She said "Well that's just regular maybe you want to be ummm like a cowboy? Do you have a rope and a hat? We should get you one so maybe you can be a cowboy" In that moment I couldn't have been happier to be a regular mom :)


Edit 6/3/2012

Today Eislynn would like to be a doctor. Mostly because that's what Daisy is on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse today. Anyways, she told me she wants to be a doctor when she grows up and would like me to be her first patient! Pretty sure she has already helped me heal and grow.