Perspective.

Life hasn't really been going the way I planned it to lately. Cole and I wanted to have a baby shortly after Eislynn turned two. Fast forward to now and we have lost 3 consecutive pregnancies. Spent a whole lot of money trying to get help from a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and are now looking at not having a baby until January after she turns 3 at the very earliest and that's given the scenario in which my next pregnancy goes well. At this point it's hard to think it will given my history.

So many people have said to me "you are so strong". This is inaccurate in that I don't feel strong. I feel helpless and weak. On the other hand there is nothing for me to do but keep on going. Eislynn needs me to be her mommy and I need to be her mommy. The one thing that keeps me positive is thinking about how had my very first pregnancy worked out I wouldn't have Eislynn. Now the logical reality side of my brain knows that I wouldn't be able to imagine any other baby than the baby I did have and I would think that baby was just perfect. The other side of me likes to hold on to the idea that you only have the baby you were meant to have. No other baby would be the one but the one you are given or that chooses you. I guess for now I have to think that we will have another baby and that baby will be exactly the baby we were meant to have. Even if that means we have 4 more losses whatever we have to endure to have that baby will be worth it because that baby will be the baby we were supposed to have. And in the end it's not my plans that matter. Isn't there some quote about how when we make plans, God laughs? Something to that extent. Each loss is hard and painful in many different ways but I have to believe that we will have another baby someday.

So very blessed.

Lately I have been thinking alot about "problems" with Eislynn. Her eating problem, sleeping problem, screaming if she has to sit still  problem :). I have been thinking more and more about how these are just not necessarily problems or at least if they are they're ones I am so very blessed to deal with. How often do we think of every day "problems" like that?

When Eislynn was first born it was so easy to remember how blessed I was and I hardly let anything get to me because I was just so happy to have a healthy baby that no amount of sleep deprivation could make me forget how lucky we are to have her. Lately I have been forgetting to step back a second and thank God for the problems I do have.  I read a news story recently about a man in Michigan who lost his wife in a car accident. After 14 years of marriage and 16 months of trying to get pregnant she was now in the last month of her pregnancy. She would have been due at the end of February. They managed to save the baby, Miranda, but she had no brain activity and after what must have been a heart wrenching decision she was taken off life support and buried Saturday February 12th with her mommy. I have read the man's blog and can't stop thinking about him and his family. He would give anything to have a 16 month old who all of a sudden wakes 2 to 4 times a night. He wouldn't care if he had to sleep most of the night in a lazy boy recliner, holding his baby so they could both get some sleep.

My doctor says I need to let Eislynn "cry it out" how dumb is that? She acts like by giving her a bottle and rocking her to bed I am abusing her. Seriously, there has to be another way to get her to fall asleep and stay asleep than shut the door and leave. I tried it a few desperate times and she threw up in less than 15 minutes, and I mean like hugely alot threw up. What's working for me now is when it's time to go to her room we rock for about 10 minutes. Then I put her in the crib and if she is upset I sing a little and then sit on the floor and hold her hand until she is asleep. Tonight as I was sitting on the floor, my hand through the side of the crib holding hers, I didn't think "this would be so much easier if she could put herself to sleep." Instead I thought about how precious these little moments are. Soon she will be a big kid, a teenager even, and she won't want me to hold her hand anymore. I don't think that I am ruining her sleep habits for life or making her a dependent child.  When I was little my dad would lay with his legs in my room and read the newspaper as I fell asleep. This way my brother could see him from his bed and I could see him from my bed and we were all happy and secure. Both my brother and I graduated top of our class and didn't need my dad to sleep in the hallway until we were 30. Eventually I realized there were no alligators under the bed and it was ok to go to sleep by myself.

I have said before I was jealous that a friends baby would just go to sleep just like that. They lay her down she goes to sleep until the morning and always has since she was an infant...magic? Maybe. All the sleep books I have read lately point to yes magic is involved there. We all sleep different. So I don't see why we expect all babies to lay down in their cribs and go to bed just like magic. Eislynn is normally so independent and so busy. She isn't much of a cuddler because that would require her to sit still. So I think that I will continue to sit and hold her hand while she drifts off to sleep knowing that I am so very blessed to have such a silly, sweet, healthy, gorgeous baby girl.

The battle to eat.

Getting my child to eat is just about the hardest thing we go through in the day. She just has very little interest. Also, she is very independent. She only wants to feed herself and if my husband or I try to feed her she freaks out. She HAS to hold the spoon. She calls the shots. She is one. If I ever get her to eat the end result reminds me of the scene in Casper where Caspers uncles scarf down their breakfast and it all ends up underneath them chewed up on the floor. E doesn't keep anything in her mouth it all ends up in the seat  of the highchair chewed up. I wonder if she gets any nutrients from this? Oh well. I also can't look at her while  she eats because she especially won't eat. Sometimes I want to cheer and be like "Yay Eislynn" but as soon as I say  that it's over and she doesn't take another bite. I do everything to get to eat. I dance, sing, ignore, look at her quietly, sit on the floor with her, sit her in a kiddie pool (that one actually worked twice), tried a new booster chair, warm the food, cool the food, serve at room temperature, and nothing seems to work. Well one thing...she will eat fairly ok if I let her watch tv while she does it. This is not a habit I want her to have so it is a VERY rare and desperate occasion that I turn to that. 

In my quest to be a healthier person I am trying to feed her healthier foods as well. In my ideal world she wouldn't like chicken nuggets and french fries...and neither would I. 

E stayed with my cousin for an evening while Cole and I went to a friends wedding. She said that E ate fine at her house. She even ate 2 chicken nuggets. So Cole suggested that we buy chicken nuggets for her so at least she eats something. My thought though is...how does she know there is  such thing as chicken nuggets and is she really holding out for them? Also, why can't I type chicken nuggets every time I have typed nuggest and had to re-type. Anyways, not that she would never eat them it's just I want her to have a wider range of things that she likes. 

Yesterday I tried a new recipe she seems to like it. You can check it out here . It was rather time consuming so I don't know that I would ever make it often but it was good. E and I had it again for lunch today. Again she mostly chewed not so much swallowed but just getting her to taste things is half the battle. I think I may also try these and see if I can get her to eat them. 

First post

So, I don't really know who I am writing this to. Myself I guess. Just whenever I  am driving I always think of things that should be blogged about haha. Fairly mundane stuff but whatever. I guess I will start by saying I couldn't think of a title for the page...so yeah "Charmed but crazy" is how I feel most days. I feel like I live a fairly charmed little life but at the same time things seem pretty crazy sometimes.