Appropriate Monsters

2 is the best. There is no way my girl can stay this age long enough. Everything is so fun, beautiful, new, and amazing through her eyes. She is just purely happy about the smallest things. At the same time she can be intensely angry over the smallest things too but that's not my point!! I wish I was better at blogging things. As in blog all the hilarious things E tells me. I don't know how many times I laugh a day because of the stories she comes up with or things she does. One story in particular though I just know I need to journal somewhere so here goes :
Last Sunday morning she was sitting at the table coloring before we left for church. She was drawing a "monster" (big squiggly mess) and said "Oh my monster needs more blue" I told her that she was such a good monster drawer. She said "Yeah,(short pause) is that appopiate? (how she says appropriate)" I told her that yes it was appropriate for her to be a good monster drawer. She then asked to watched Monsters Incorporated but called it Monsters Appopiate. I reminded her it was incorporated. She said "oh yeah, incopoated. Ok. "

reasons

Ok, while I am on the theme of how God works in my life here is a bigger picture example beyond traffic and music.

So many people think that I am or should be mad with God. I simply am not. I do not understand why Cole and I can not have another baby when there are many people who do not want or care for their children but I do not believe that God is punishing me. I trust there is a bigger plan and picture. When I had my first mc before Eislynn. I just asked why, why, and why. I was so angry that crack addicts (not the word i used then :)) and other such people had babies but I lost mine. I now see though, whether it truly is what God had planned or if it is just my humble interpretation of his plan, I see a very concise and real reasoning behind it. I actually kind of like this story so I thought I should type it out to remember years from now.

In 2008 when I lost my first pregnancy we had just moved to Peoria, IL. We lived in some not so awesome apartments and were starting to look at houses for when our lease was up. We got the news at my first OB appointment that even though I should have been 9 weeks I was really only measuring 5 and that we wouldn't be having a baby in April. I couldn't get a D & C because of a lady's error at CAT. She had messed up our insurance and we didn't have any at the moment and the procedure was very expensive so we decided to wait it out and hope I miscarried naturally. Life went on. One rainy day I got home from work and the apartment was flooding. So much so that management had to put us up in a hotel. After a week they deemed the apartment liveable and we had to move back in. It was NOT liveable. It had a moldy smell before but now it was just awful almost unbearable. But it was stay there or be homeless. Cole and I got sick. Very sick. We had to go  back to a hotel on our own dime this time though.

Throughout this process we had been searching for a house even faster. Cole's parents were coming to visit us and we had no where to live let alone for them to stay! We ended up making a very quick decision to buy a condo in Washington. It was a bit more than we wanted to spend and we hadn't been looking for condos we were looking for houses with a fenced in yard and at least 3 bedrooms. Here is a quick version of what went down: -houses we had been looking at were all in a bad part of town we didn't realize was THAT bad
                  -seriously lots of robberies or murders in those parts
                  -our apartment management company wouldn't let us out of our lease because they claim we                
                  could still live in our apartment, we had to pay 2,000 to get our of our lease
                  -in the mean time I had to go to the emergency room for excessive bleeding and we now had a
                    big hospital bill coming since we had no insurance.
Life in Illinois was not getting off to the best start! Things picked up though :) Once CAT got things straightened out they did give us some of the money back for the ER visit since it was their fault for the mix up. The Vicodin also helped :)  Anyways...we went on to have Eislynn and that was great. We did however start thinking maybe we had jumped the gun a bit on the condo because it wasn't really the best "investment". Don't worry I am getting to the good stuff....One day Eislynn and I were at the park near our condo and there appeared to be a moms group there. I thought to my self "I wish I knew of a moms group, that would be nice to have/be a part of" Not even two hours later there was a knock on my door and a lady named Chris who lived in another one of the condos was inviting me to join the new moms group at her church. Now if that's not a sign that I was supposed to go to that moms group then I don't know what is! So I went. This moms group has been good for both Eislynn and I. It has lead to many friendships and we now attend the church it's held at as well. Both MOPS and the church make me feel more like part of a community. Without them I think I would be unhappy living in Illinois so far away from friends and family. This would put stress on me, Cole, and Eislynn too. If we hadn't had that miscarriage and all those other bad things happen I don't think we would have jumped so fast into that condo. If we hadn't then I would have never met Chris and would never have found my moms group or my church. Is this really the "reason" maybe, maybe not. All I know is I ended up having a wonderful amazing little girl and ended up meeting wonderful amazing people that I would have never met if it wasn't for the baby before Eislynn. Having an angel up there to watch over you is really quite a blessing.

Given the green light.

LeeAnn and I think I may be slightly psychic. Maybe I don't really believe that but I am very intuitive. I have an uncanny intuition and it is to be followed.

I feel like God is constantly giving us little signs whether they are in obvious form, little "coincidences", or things that aren't as obviously until hindsight. I feel they are all around and many times if you are open to them you can see Him at work in your life. Now, I realize that God doesn't control traffic lights but just hear me out on this story I have to tell. On the way to my ultrasound last month I hit every red light, for real EVERY. I mean even the ones that are NEVER EVER red. The one by Tractor Supply, the first one after you cross the bridge to Peoria, just every single one. I even called Cole to tell him how frustrating this was because I thought I would be late for my appointment. Deep down though I knew what it meant. I knew that the appointment wouldn't go well. "Something" was just telling me this. Even though I had been sick for 1 1/2 months with morning sickness when I normally don't get it and even though I had no reason to believe there wouldn't be a heart beat on that monitor, I just felt it. That was WAY too many red lights stopping me from getting there. That was the same way it had been with my previous two appointments as well when I got the bad news.

I have been researching different things that may help with early recurrent pregnancy loss (rpl) one thing I found interesting and wanted to give a try was acupuncture. I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. If I do it I will end up having to go in sometimes even twice a week for it. This is hard since it takes about 30 minutes to drive there an hour for treatment and then another 30 to drive home. I didn't want to have to rely on friends to watch Eislynn that much each week. I thought however that I would give it a try. I know they would do it for me because I would do it for them. I brought Eislynn over to my cousins house and I went to my first appointment the other week. I kid you not almost EVERY light was green. Like seriously every light. I drove from my house in Washington all the way on 150 until Alan Rd so that's probably like 20 minutes and at least 15 lights. I didn't have to stop until once at Sheridan and then one more time until Alan. That's seriously crazy.  Again not that God spends his time thinking about my Pandora play list but also on this drive the best songs were on my Pandora station. It was just a great drive. Once I got to the office I found out that this place that I picked at "random" has free childcare during your appointments. It is a beautiful office and I fully trust my child would be taken care of well during my appointments.  Will acupuncture plus all this other stuff we are doing really be my answer? I don't know. But right now in this moment I feel as if I have been given the "green light" to go ahead and give it a try. I felt so at peace and happy about the decision. Added bonus the office also takes my insurance and they magically cover acupuncture even though they don't cover anything at my RE's office .

EDIT: Just a little added info. I am not pregnant again already. We are waiting until this spring or summer to try again. Just be healthy and take a little break from it all for a while. Acupuncture is thought to help the lining of your uterus and the quality of your eggs. It can take 2 or 3 months for that to fully take affect as eggs are produced 3 months in advance. Acupuncture can lower the average womans chances of a miscarriage from 21% to 4%. Now, that is for someone who doesn't have bigger problems at play as all women have about a 21% chance of miscarriage each time they get pregnant.

Perspective.

Life hasn't really been going the way I planned it to lately. Cole and I wanted to have a baby shortly after Eislynn turned two. Fast forward to now and we have lost 3 consecutive pregnancies. Spent a whole lot of money trying to get help from a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and are now looking at not having a baby until January after she turns 3 at the very earliest and that's given the scenario in which my next pregnancy goes well. At this point it's hard to think it will given my history.

So many people have said to me "you are so strong". This is inaccurate in that I don't feel strong. I feel helpless and weak. On the other hand there is nothing for me to do but keep on going. Eislynn needs me to be her mommy and I need to be her mommy. The one thing that keeps me positive is thinking about how had my very first pregnancy worked out I wouldn't have Eislynn. Now the logical reality side of my brain knows that I wouldn't be able to imagine any other baby than the baby I did have and I would think that baby was just perfect. The other side of me likes to hold on to the idea that you only have the baby you were meant to have. No other baby would be the one but the one you are given or that chooses you. I guess for now I have to think that we will have another baby and that baby will be exactly the baby we were meant to have. Even if that means we have 4 more losses whatever we have to endure to have that baby will be worth it because that baby will be the baby we were supposed to have. And in the end it's not my plans that matter. Isn't there some quote about how when we make plans, God laughs? Something to that extent. Each loss is hard and painful in many different ways but I have to believe that we will have another baby someday.

So very blessed.

Lately I have been thinking alot about "problems" with Eislynn. Her eating problem, sleeping problem, screaming if she has to sit still  problem :). I have been thinking more and more about how these are just not necessarily problems or at least if they are they're ones I am so very blessed to deal with. How often do we think of every day "problems" like that?

When Eislynn was first born it was so easy to remember how blessed I was and I hardly let anything get to me because I was just so happy to have a healthy baby that no amount of sleep deprivation could make me forget how lucky we are to have her. Lately I have been forgetting to step back a second and thank God for the problems I do have.  I read a news story recently about a man in Michigan who lost his wife in a car accident. After 14 years of marriage and 16 months of trying to get pregnant she was now in the last month of her pregnancy. She would have been due at the end of February. They managed to save the baby, Miranda, but she had no brain activity and after what must have been a heart wrenching decision she was taken off life support and buried Saturday February 12th with her mommy. I have read the man's blog and can't stop thinking about him and his family. He would give anything to have a 16 month old who all of a sudden wakes 2 to 4 times a night. He wouldn't care if he had to sleep most of the night in a lazy boy recliner, holding his baby so they could both get some sleep.

My doctor says I need to let Eislynn "cry it out" how dumb is that? She acts like by giving her a bottle and rocking her to bed I am abusing her. Seriously, there has to be another way to get her to fall asleep and stay asleep than shut the door and leave. I tried it a few desperate times and she threw up in less than 15 minutes, and I mean like hugely alot threw up. What's working for me now is when it's time to go to her room we rock for about 10 minutes. Then I put her in the crib and if she is upset I sing a little and then sit on the floor and hold her hand until she is asleep. Tonight as I was sitting on the floor, my hand through the side of the crib holding hers, I didn't think "this would be so much easier if she could put herself to sleep." Instead I thought about how precious these little moments are. Soon she will be a big kid, a teenager even, and she won't want me to hold her hand anymore. I don't think that I am ruining her sleep habits for life or making her a dependent child.  When I was little my dad would lay with his legs in my room and read the newspaper as I fell asleep. This way my brother could see him from his bed and I could see him from my bed and we were all happy and secure. Both my brother and I graduated top of our class and didn't need my dad to sleep in the hallway until we were 30. Eventually I realized there were no alligators under the bed and it was ok to go to sleep by myself.

I have said before I was jealous that a friends baby would just go to sleep just like that. They lay her down she goes to sleep until the morning and always has since she was an infant...magic? Maybe. All the sleep books I have read lately point to yes magic is involved there. We all sleep different. So I don't see why we expect all babies to lay down in their cribs and go to bed just like magic. Eislynn is normally so independent and so busy. She isn't much of a cuddler because that would require her to sit still. So I think that I will continue to sit and hold her hand while she drifts off to sleep knowing that I am so very blessed to have such a silly, sweet, healthy, gorgeous baby girl.

The battle to eat.

Getting my child to eat is just about the hardest thing we go through in the day. She just has very little interest. Also, she is very independent. She only wants to feed herself and if my husband or I try to feed her she freaks out. She HAS to hold the spoon. She calls the shots. She is one. If I ever get her to eat the end result reminds me of the scene in Casper where Caspers uncles scarf down their breakfast and it all ends up underneath them chewed up on the floor. E doesn't keep anything in her mouth it all ends up in the seat  of the highchair chewed up. I wonder if she gets any nutrients from this? Oh well. I also can't look at her while  she eats because she especially won't eat. Sometimes I want to cheer and be like "Yay Eislynn" but as soon as I say  that it's over and she doesn't take another bite. I do everything to get to eat. I dance, sing, ignore, look at her quietly, sit on the floor with her, sit her in a kiddie pool (that one actually worked twice), tried a new booster chair, warm the food, cool the food, serve at room temperature, and nothing seems to work. Well one thing...she will eat fairly ok if I let her watch tv while she does it. This is not a habit I want her to have so it is a VERY rare and desperate occasion that I turn to that. 

In my quest to be a healthier person I am trying to feed her healthier foods as well. In my ideal world she wouldn't like chicken nuggets and french fries...and neither would I. 

E stayed with my cousin for an evening while Cole and I went to a friends wedding. She said that E ate fine at her house. She even ate 2 chicken nuggets. So Cole suggested that we buy chicken nuggets for her so at least she eats something. My thought though is...how does she know there is  such thing as chicken nuggets and is she really holding out for them? Also, why can't I type chicken nuggets every time I have typed nuggest and had to re-type. Anyways, not that she would never eat them it's just I want her to have a wider range of things that she likes. 

Yesterday I tried a new recipe she seems to like it. You can check it out here . It was rather time consuming so I don't know that I would ever make it often but it was good. E and I had it again for lunch today. Again she mostly chewed not so much swallowed but just getting her to taste things is half the battle. I think I may also try these and see if I can get her to eat them. 

First post

So, I don't really know who I am writing this to. Myself I guess. Just whenever I  am driving I always think of things that should be blogged about haha. Fairly mundane stuff but whatever. I guess I will start by saying I couldn't think of a title for the page...so yeah "Charmed but crazy" is how I feel most days. I feel like I live a fairly charmed little life but at the same time things seem pretty crazy sometimes.