no big deal

Tonight was.....amusing? While saying prayers with Eislynn I got a little giggle when she thanked God for "the dinosaurs being dead" because ya know they might step on her house if they were still around so she was thankful they are extinct. It was one of those nights where she was up and down a handful of times but finally I thought she was sleeping so I went downstairs. I was reading a blog about moms. About letting go a bit and how even if you feel like you are failing you really aren't..blah blah blah that kind of stuff. Then I hear it. The little pitter patter of feet. Then a tiny quiet little voice "mom, I'm sorry I pooped my pants" At this point I don't have anything left to do but laugh (while trying not to). I tell her it's ok and we will get it all cleaned up. She apologized again and I again said it was ok and we needed to go get cleaned up. I ask if there is any in her bed or just in her underwear. Luckily it was only a tiny little one in her underwear and made for very easy clean up. A few more times in her cute sleepy voice she says "sorry for doing that". No big deal, this is only the second accident she has had at night time since being potty trained a few months ago. I took the underwear off and set them with the ones that were already in the sink from an hour ago when she was on the toilet but somehow still managed to pee on her underwear and pj pants. All in a days work. :)

beauty in the day

I don't know who this post is for or why I feel the need to write it. It's more than anything for myself now and my future self. Tonight I have felt compelled to write about my day. It was nothing fantastic or out of the ordinary but that's also what made it so beautiful. It was kind of a perfectly balanced day. There were the usual stresses that come with the territory of raising a small child but there were the simple pleasures as well. Our day started a bit rough. There was crying and screaming (by the 2 year old not me) before breakfast even started. However, that was also a learning moment. A learning moment for each of us. I explained she couldn't behave that way and gave her an alternative way to express what she wanted to me. This helped us both and we moved on. At 9 two of our friends came over while their mom went to an appointment. Two other friends joined us for play time as well. It went as smoothly as can go with a house full of 4 children all under 4 needing to share, behave, play nice. We had fun though with very minimal crying all around. E and I then went and got lunch at Subway and brought it to the park. There was no one else there and we had each other's full attention. We sat and talked. We talked about silly things, about funny dreams, about Barney, about why the doodlebops weren't at the park with us even though E really would like them to be, about why Tinker Bell doesn't live in our backyard and where it is she does possibly live in comparison to our back yard, about the school across the street and the kids playing outside, about school and she told me she really hopes the kids in Grandma Darlene's class are nice to her and have good manners because that's what she will do when she goes to school, about the night before when her and a girl hit heads at the park and instead of saying sorry and moving on E cried because she felt bad; we discussed what the right thing to do in this situation would be so now she knows if something like that happens again. This was the best part of the day. Just the two of us hanging out talking about life. I think that truly talking and truly listening is such a lost art these days. I didn't once pick up my phone to look at it, the tv wasn't on in the background, it was just us in the shade at our tiny picnic table. This is not a moment we have every day but it should be.

The rest of the day was just as usual as most. Played at home, made supper, hung out with Cole for a bit, gave E a bath while we skyped with grandma Darlene, read both grandma Darlene and grandma Rita Ann a bed time story (Chicka Chicka BOOM BOOM because E has it pretty much memorized), said our prayers and E went to bed. Leaving me with time to talk to LeeAnn and then watch Supernatural with Cole. I think it was when I was telling LeeAnn part of E and I's conversation at the park and I got a bit teary eyed that I realized how precious that moment really truly was. I guess I just felt compelled to record the memory to read it again someday maybe when E is moving off to college or maybe when she is about to get married or when she has a little girl of her own.

These are also the days that I can appreciate God's plan. I think about had we already had another baby this exact day wouldn't have happened. Yes, I will have days like this with both E and the second child but this day was just as it should be, it was perfect.

Coincidence?

The other night something rather freaky happened. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it really didn't mean anything and was just a coincidence....but I don't think so. It was like a very literal sign from the universe or God or someone..grandpa? I don't know let me just tell you about it.

I was laying in bed with E listening to the Pandora radio lullaby station as we often do after we read our stories and say our prayers. We cuddle for a few minutes to some music then I leave and ideally she doesn't get up and out of bed 10 times and just goes to sleep :) Anyways, I was about to turn the music off when the song "Closer to Love" come on. It was sort of a surprise because although the station plays all kinds of music from actual kids lullabies to songs by Iron and Wine, I had never heard this particular song on Pandora. It is the song I immediately thought of after I heard my last pregnancy wasn't going to happen. Part of the lyrics are

I'm gonna get there soonYou're gonna be there tooCrying in your roomPraying Lord come throughWe're gonna get there soon
Oh, it's your lightOh, it's your wayPull me out of the darkJust to show me the way
Crying out nowFrom so far awayYou pull me closer to loveCloser to love
Not sure how to unhighlight that. I just copied and pasted it, oh well. Anyways, so i listened to the song and was going to turn it off after that song. I listened to it and was thinking and worrying about my current pregnancy. What would this ultrasound show this coming week? Would this one end just like all the others? I was just laying there worrying. The song was over and I turned off Pandora. The next song kept playing. I was annoyed becaue I was trying to get E to sleep and had decided to turn off the music and it wouldn't stop. It was off the Pandora icon was gone from my phone but the song was still playing. Then it hit me what the music was saying it was a version of the song "Everything's gonna be alright" I normally don't really even like that song but it was a nice version. My phone was literally playing a song that was saying "don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright" over and over it was saying that. Once I realized what it was saying it finally quit playing. I realize from time to time Pandora plays for just a second after you turn it off..but it played for a long time and until I realized what it was saying. Maybe I am over analyzing(and a tad crazy..which is partly true)..but it felt like the kind of "coincidence" that is sort of yelling at you saying seriously how much more obvious can I be here lady.

Viable

Viable, the word swirled around in my head the whole way home. I can not believe he said viable. This is not a term I am used to hearing unless the word "not" is in front of it.

I had an ultrasound on Tuesday. I had my self braced, emotions and hopes guarded, I was prepared for what route I would take when he told me that sorry once again this one won't be the one. I took deep breathes over and over to try and slow my heart a bit as it raced while I watched the clock waiting for Dr. G to come in. He turned on the machine I saw the sac but didn't see anything in it and my fears were confrimed...until Dr. G said this looks like a viable pregnancy in the uterus (first making sure it wasn't ectopic). I think the only thing I said was something along the lines of "seriously?" or "for real?". He continued  on taking measurement including measuring the beats per minute of the baby that although it was hardly a little fuzzy looking spot was still a baby and it had a heart beat. He told me that he obviously can't make any guarantees but that there is no indication that this pregnancy won't work out. Everything is the right size, shape, and in the correct place. I just laid their silently I don't really even know how to react to good news :) He told me about how he had a lady earlier in the day and he baby had passed by the third ultrasound but they knew it didn't look promising from the start. I will have another ultrasound this coming Tuesday. I feel like if I see that precious little fuzzy ball and it has grown into more of a bean and still has a heart beat then I may finally be able to admit that this could be my rainbow baby.

I have been so sick all week. I haven't felt like the best mommy to E. She has been a trooper and a real sweetheart though!

So Proud.

E has been trying to convince me for a few weeks now that she doesn't need to wear "a baby diaper" to bed. I however am just now remembering what it's like to sleep through the night! It took her a while but she got there :). Anyways, finally last night I gave in. She has been watching the diapers go down daily asking if they are gone yet, telling me at night time she just wants panties, I finally decided I better listen to her instead of myself before she changes her mind. So at 7:15 this morning a dry little girl came to wake me up for breakfast. So proud. We have many more nights to go but it's nice to start out on a good note.

side note

This story is a perfect example of why you shouldn't say to someone who just had a miscarriage "it's all in God's plan" I believe God wants me to have another baby but I do not believe he wants me to go through the pain of miscarriages that is just an added step that is happening in the process. I REFUSE to believe God wanted this lady to have a baby at this point in her life. If it was seriously up to God people like her would be infertile not the many wonderful caring couples out there who are. Just saying. I realize there is alot more to it. Alot more to "the plan". Things are never as black and white as they seem. There isn't really much you can say to someone going through this besides sorry that sucks.
 http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/mother-drives-5-week-old-top-car-164426051--abc-news-topstories.html

Happy.

I have been thinking lately. Scary, I know. And one thing that I have noticed is I am very happy and very content. Don't take this post the wrong way I so very much so would like to have another baby. Cole and I both would love to add another child to our family, but at the same time I think it's good to realize that we are still happy.

I think so often these days it's easy to get caught up in the whirl wind of "things" making you happy. If I have another baby then I'll be happy. If I lose 20lbs then I'll be happy. If I get that promotion then I'll be happy. If I get X then that equals happy. Nothing can make you happy if you are not already content. When I think of the happiness we will feel when we finally get to bring a new baby into this family it fills me with so much hope and happiness. I could almost cry at the thought of what that will feel like. It makes me that happy to think about. Yet at the same time I am enjoying my time and my life as it is in this moment. This has really been shown to me a few different times over the past few weeks and I am very grateful for these moments. I need these moments. I need to write about them so if we have another loss I can go back and read this and be reminded that things are good. A few of my older positive posts really helped me through my most recent loss.

This morning Eislynn didn't get up until almost 8 (amazing). She came in to our room and got into bed with Cole and I. We all cuddled as a family and I was wondrously overjoyed and happy. Eislynn asked if we could get up and have breakfast and I told her I needed one more minute to lay there and be happy with my lovely little family. It didn't feel as though something, someone was missing. We were just happy.

I am so grateful that I have a been able to have a decent handle on my emotions and feelings about my losses. This doesn't mean I haven't had some very low lows. I most certainly have. Dark moments, feelings of inadequacy, hate for people that have kids and don't appreciate it, and a few good meltdowns in between.

Something that I know so many women struggle with is seeing babies that were born around the time their's would have been. This is a very legitimate feeling, very real , very raw. One that I would have expected myself to have. However, somehow this feeling has escaped me. A friend came over with her baby that was due the same week in April that I was. He is perfect and tiny and a little miracle. I was surprised that I didn't feel sorrow when I held him. In fact, and again don't get me wrong,  I was sort of glad that I got to hand him back! Knowing my daughter would brush her own teeth and use the potty and go to sleep through the night, while they were going home to a much different situation! Of course when my time comes I will be thankful for those sleepless nights, those horrific blowouts, cranky baby, teething, all the bad that comes with the good. I had to ponder this feeling. Why was I totally unscathed by this? Why doesn't this pull at my heart like I know it does to so many others? I couldn't really come up with an answer other than I just KNOW I will have another baby someday and when that day comes I will be overcome with joy. I will elate in what God has given me. Until then I am very grateful that I have been able to live in the here and now and appreciate what He has already given. Right now I have an amazingly wonderful smart hilarious little daughter, a wonderful husband, great family and friends, comfortable house, and so many other countless blessings. Right now I am thankful and I am happy.

What I am trying to get at is there is nothing that will make you happy unless you are happy with yourself.

I feel like no one can be as happy as a child though! Such unflinching faith, love and joy.