baby's name

Picking out Eislynn's name seemed much easier than this baby's name. We liked it, it just seemed to click, and that was that.It has fit her from the moment she was born. Maybe I just have an easier time with girl names. Eislynn would be Eislynn or Brynn. End of discussion. No trips to the baby name section of the book store needed :). No pouring over name lists on the internet. This time however, we are having a bit more trouble picking a name. Eislynn is really stuck on a name she made up, Bayna, so I wanted to give her some other options to think about. Up till this point we haven't really said the names we have in mind in front of her because we don't want her telling everyone. She picked one name from the list I gave her and kind of stuck with it. She has came up with a few extra's like Papa wahpa but nothing serious. Once again this is a story I felt the need to record:

Last night we were skyping with her grandma and she tried to blurt out the baby's name. Again he doesn't really have one yet it's just the one she thinks we have decided on. I covered her mouth and it didn't get out :) When we were going to bed I told her you really shouldn't tell people that your brother's name is Bayna (changing names for this story in case we use one :)) She said "But I really like that name, he will like it" I said, "Yes, but we haven't decided what his name will be for sure yet. What if he is born and he doesn't look like a Bayna he looks like a Norton (again changing the real name)." She looked at my like I had just said the silliest thing, reached over, pinched my nose, and said "OH mom he won't look like that name! He will look like a naked baby" Touche my child touche.

cuddly nap time

I am typing with some hand and with my phone so please forgive errors. I feel the need to record this moment. E was rather cranky and I insisted we rock together. This is something we haven't done in months. She doesn't take naps anymore. By the glow of our Christmas tree I rocked my little girl to sleep while we listened to the Sujfan Stevens Holiday Pandora station. Normally during nap time I would try to get a few things done and have some "me" time. Today I  am going to sit here in my comfy chair cuddling my girl in front of the Christmas tree, because I know I may never get another moment like this one.

growing up

I know I have already posted about E and what she wants to be when she grows up, but this story deserves another post about it. I want to remember it always.

She is always thinking and talking about what she wants to be when she grows up. Most recently it was a doctor. She will talk about how you have to go to school and teachers will teach you how to be a doctor. She is very interested in how that all works and how you become one. She talked about it all the time. That was until one particular conversation we had.
I was telling her about how she is my good girl and should be my little girl forever and ever. She said she will be my little girl then she will grow up and be a doctor and then she will be my little girl again. I didn't realize it would shatter her world but I told her she wouldn't get to be a little girl again but she would always be my girl. She got the biggest sad eyes, her little lip stuck out, and she looked so sad. Her lip trembled and she asked "I won't get to be little again?" I said "No, you only get older you don't get younger again." She cried and through her tears she looked around the room and said "But I will miss my toys so much" This wasn't one of those times when she cries for some odd reason and it's sort of a tantrum and not adorable. This was cute and sort of actually sad! I had completely rocked her world. I tried to soothe her. I told her about how she would maybe have a little girl of her own and she would get to buy her toys to play with. She thought I meant Cole and I would get a new little girl and that girl would play with her toys and that really got her upset! I did some more soothing. By the time she went to bed (of course this all happened at bed time) she was satisfied knowing that mommy and daddy play with her toys and we are grown ups so she won't be banned from all toys simply because she has grown up.
That all happened a week or two ago. I didn't really think much of it but now I realize she hasn't really talked much about what she will be when she grows up anymore. Today when we were talking to her uncle Andrew I told her to tell him what she wants to be when she grows up. She looked at my seriously and said "No mom remember the other day? I don't want to grow up anymore" I LOVE THAT GIRL. I am totally fine with her not growing up for a long time. :)

Whoooah we're half way there

Today, because my math isn't so good, I have been thinking about how crazy it is that I am half way through this pregnancy. The chorus to the song "Living on a Prayer" has been in my head since yesterday. At some point today I realized a week from today is actually half way but that's not important. I have still been thinking about it quite a bit. Today I am 18 weeks and 4 days along. I am counting 19 weeks and 4 days as half way since I will have to have a c-section at 39 weeks. Which should be March 14th if all goes as planned.

I have felt the baby move a few times a day over the past week or so. It's such a crazy thing. Soon these little kicks will get much stronger and be more frequent. I still have thoughts from time to time that this could all be taken away at any moment, this is true though for any pregnant women regardless of her history. All my losses were very early and I have only made it this far with Eislynn and my current pregnancy. The other night I had the first twinge of "it's not supposed to be like this" that I have had this pregnancy. Until now I have just been grateful, so so very grateful, for each day that I have made it through. The other night though after giving myself  particularly painful shot I looked at my bruised up belly and let out a few tears. It was a fleeting moment of feeling sorry for myself but it was still real. I know many women have had to go through worse things to get/stay pregnant or have not been able to have children at all. I do feel blessed that I have been given this gift but sometimes those shots hurt and lately they have been bruising more than usual. I just have to believe that in  just a few months I will be holding my new baby and all this pain will be just a memory. It will become a story of love and endurance; the story of a baby who was very much so wanted and loved before HE ever arrived. :)

studies

I read an article recently talking about a new study published about recurrent pregnancy loss. I have heard of a similar study before and couldn't agree more with it's findings. Basically it took a look at "super-fertile" women. Women who get pregnant very easily but then miscarry just as easily. I feel like I fall into this category. I have been pregnant 7 times. Each of those times I got pregnant the first month we tried. This is not typical. The average healthy couple should get pregnant within one year of trying and each month you have about a 25% chance of getting pregnant. Getting pregnant on the first time every time 7 times is very unlikely. The idea here is that an overly fertile woman's uterus is basically not fussy. It is not capable of distinguishing good from bad embryos. In a month where a good embryo is not available most women just won't get pregnant but a super fertile women's uterus will implant even a bad embryo, one that has no chance of survival. So it's kind of a numbers game really. You need to get pregnant on a month where there is a good embryo waiting to implant. (A little side note I got Eislynn a shirt for Easter that said "mommy's good egg" to me it was a tongue in cheek nod to this theory. To anyone that saw her it was a cute Easter shirt :) I told Cole my thought process when I bought the shirt...I think he thought I had gone crazy)

I think this theory is probably the one that best applies to me. I don't think I should have ever had one single drop of those intralipids I paid so much for and put so much faith in. I don't know that I believe I actually need to be on lovenox right now either but I've come this far and I'm not going to stop taking it now! I think the most important part (medically) was finding something/someone to believe in. Our new RE was so refreshing in the way he wasn't making any promises. He pretty much said "Do I think you will have another baby? Given your medical history and tests that have been run, yes. Can I tell you how or when? No." Although this doesn't sound THAT comforting it strangely was. He still had a plan and a back up plan for if we wanted to be more aggressive, but he wasn't saying he knew exactly what was going on. My last RE acted like he KNEW what the problem was and he HAD the solution. He didn't though. Doctors know very little about recurrent miscarriage and even less when it comes to unexplained recurrent miscarriage.

This Wednesday I have a 3d Ultrasound with my RE. It will be the last one I have with them and then I will be released to the care of my OB. This is a huge step. I never thought I would make it. There are still times I can't believe I am pregnant and that it's actually going well. I think part of me thought we would be a family of three forever. We were a happy little family of 3 but one more is what we were wanting!

no big deal

Tonight was.....amusing? While saying prayers with Eislynn I got a little giggle when she thanked God for "the dinosaurs being dead" because ya know they might step on her house if they were still around so she was thankful they are extinct. It was one of those nights where she was up and down a handful of times but finally I thought she was sleeping so I went downstairs. I was reading a blog about moms. About letting go a bit and how even if you feel like you are failing you really aren't..blah blah blah that kind of stuff. Then I hear it. The little pitter patter of feet. Then a tiny quiet little voice "mom, I'm sorry I pooped my pants" At this point I don't have anything left to do but laugh (while trying not to). I tell her it's ok and we will get it all cleaned up. She apologized again and I again said it was ok and we needed to go get cleaned up. I ask if there is any in her bed or just in her underwear. Luckily it was only a tiny little one in her underwear and made for very easy clean up. A few more times in her cute sleepy voice she says "sorry for doing that". No big deal, this is only the second accident she has had at night time since being potty trained a few months ago. I took the underwear off and set them with the ones that were already in the sink from an hour ago when she was on the toilet but somehow still managed to pee on her underwear and pj pants. All in a days work. :)

beauty in the day

I don't know who this post is for or why I feel the need to write it. It's more than anything for myself now and my future self. Tonight I have felt compelled to write about my day. It was nothing fantastic or out of the ordinary but that's also what made it so beautiful. It was kind of a perfectly balanced day. There were the usual stresses that come with the territory of raising a small child but there were the simple pleasures as well. Our day started a bit rough. There was crying and screaming (by the 2 year old not me) before breakfast even started. However, that was also a learning moment. A learning moment for each of us. I explained she couldn't behave that way and gave her an alternative way to express what she wanted to me. This helped us both and we moved on. At 9 two of our friends came over while their mom went to an appointment. Two other friends joined us for play time as well. It went as smoothly as can go with a house full of 4 children all under 4 needing to share, behave, play nice. We had fun though with very minimal crying all around. E and I then went and got lunch at Subway and brought it to the park. There was no one else there and we had each other's full attention. We sat and talked. We talked about silly things, about funny dreams, about Barney, about why the doodlebops weren't at the park with us even though E really would like them to be, about why Tinker Bell doesn't live in our backyard and where it is she does possibly live in comparison to our back yard, about the school across the street and the kids playing outside, about school and she told me she really hopes the kids in Grandma Darlene's class are nice to her and have good manners because that's what she will do when she goes to school, about the night before when her and a girl hit heads at the park and instead of saying sorry and moving on E cried because she felt bad; we discussed what the right thing to do in this situation would be so now she knows if something like that happens again. This was the best part of the day. Just the two of us hanging out talking about life. I think that truly talking and truly listening is such a lost art these days. I didn't once pick up my phone to look at it, the tv wasn't on in the background, it was just us in the shade at our tiny picnic table. This is not a moment we have every day but it should be.

The rest of the day was just as usual as most. Played at home, made supper, hung out with Cole for a bit, gave E a bath while we skyped with grandma Darlene, read both grandma Darlene and grandma Rita Ann a bed time story (Chicka Chicka BOOM BOOM because E has it pretty much memorized), said our prayers and E went to bed. Leaving me with time to talk to LeeAnn and then watch Supernatural with Cole. I think it was when I was telling LeeAnn part of E and I's conversation at the park and I got a bit teary eyed that I realized how precious that moment really truly was. I guess I just felt compelled to record the memory to read it again someday maybe when E is moving off to college or maybe when she is about to get married or when she has a little girl of her own.

These are also the days that I can appreciate God's plan. I think about had we already had another baby this exact day wouldn't have happened. Yes, I will have days like this with both E and the second child but this day was just as it should be, it was perfect.