Life hasn't really been going the way I planned it to lately. Cole and I wanted to have a baby shortly after Eislynn turned two. Fast forward to now and we have lost 3 consecutive pregnancies. Spent a whole lot of money trying to get help from a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and are now looking at not having a baby until January after she turns 3 at the very earliest and that's given the scenario in which my next pregnancy goes well. At this point it's hard to think it will given my history.
So many people have said to me "you are so strong". This is inaccurate in that I don't feel strong. I feel helpless and weak. On the other hand there is nothing for me to do but keep on going. Eislynn needs me to be her mommy and I need to be her mommy. The one thing that keeps me positive is thinking about how had my very first pregnancy worked out I wouldn't have Eislynn. Now the logical reality side of my brain knows that I wouldn't be able to imagine any other baby than the baby I did have and I would think that baby was just perfect. The other side of me likes to hold on to the idea that you only have the baby you were meant to have. No other baby would be the one but the one you are given or that chooses you. I guess for now I have to think that we will have another baby and that baby will be exactly the baby we were meant to have. Even if that means we have 4 more losses whatever we have to endure to have that baby will be worth it because that baby will be the baby we were supposed to have. And in the end it's not my plans that matter. Isn't there some quote about how when we make plans, God laughs? Something to that extent. Each loss is hard and painful in many different ways but I have to believe that we will have another baby someday.