baby's name

Picking out Eislynn's name seemed much easier than this baby's name. We liked it, it just seemed to click, and that was that.It has fit her from the moment she was born. Maybe I just have an easier time with girl names. Eislynn would be Eislynn or Brynn. End of discussion. No trips to the baby name section of the book store needed :). No pouring over name lists on the internet. This time however, we are having a bit more trouble picking a name. Eislynn is really stuck on a name she made up, Bayna, so I wanted to give her some other options to think about. Up till this point we haven't really said the names we have in mind in front of her because we don't want her telling everyone. She picked one name from the list I gave her and kind of stuck with it. She has came up with a few extra's like Papa wahpa but nothing serious. Once again this is a story I felt the need to record:

Last night we were skyping with her grandma and she tried to blurt out the baby's name. Again he doesn't really have one yet it's just the one she thinks we have decided on. I covered her mouth and it didn't get out :) When we were going to bed I told her you really shouldn't tell people that your brother's name is Bayna (changing names for this story in case we use one :)) She said "But I really like that name, he will like it" I said, "Yes, but we haven't decided what his name will be for sure yet. What if he is born and he doesn't look like a Bayna he looks like a Norton (again changing the real name)." She looked at my like I had just said the silliest thing, reached over, pinched my nose, and said "OH mom he won't look like that name! He will look like a naked baby" Touche my child touche.

cuddly nap time

I am typing with some hand and with my phone so please forgive errors. I feel the need to record this moment. E was rather cranky and I insisted we rock together. This is something we haven't done in months. She doesn't take naps anymore. By the glow of our Christmas tree I rocked my little girl to sleep while we listened to the Sujfan Stevens Holiday Pandora station. Normally during nap time I would try to get a few things done and have some "me" time. Today I  am going to sit here in my comfy chair cuddling my girl in front of the Christmas tree, because I know I may never get another moment like this one.

growing up

I know I have already posted about E and what she wants to be when she grows up, but this story deserves another post about it. I want to remember it always.

She is always thinking and talking about what she wants to be when she grows up. Most recently it was a doctor. She will talk about how you have to go to school and teachers will teach you how to be a doctor. She is very interested in how that all works and how you become one. She talked about it all the time. That was until one particular conversation we had.
I was telling her about how she is my good girl and should be my little girl forever and ever. She said she will be my little girl then she will grow up and be a doctor and then she will be my little girl again. I didn't realize it would shatter her world but I told her she wouldn't get to be a little girl again but she would always be my girl. She got the biggest sad eyes, her little lip stuck out, and she looked so sad. Her lip trembled and she asked "I won't get to be little again?" I said "No, you only get older you don't get younger again." She cried and through her tears she looked around the room and said "But I will miss my toys so much" This wasn't one of those times when she cries for some odd reason and it's sort of a tantrum and not adorable. This was cute and sort of actually sad! I had completely rocked her world. I tried to soothe her. I told her about how she would maybe have a little girl of her own and she would get to buy her toys to play with. She thought I meant Cole and I would get a new little girl and that girl would play with her toys and that really got her upset! I did some more soothing. By the time she went to bed (of course this all happened at bed time) she was satisfied knowing that mommy and daddy play with her toys and we are grown ups so she won't be banned from all toys simply because she has grown up.
That all happened a week or two ago. I didn't really think much of it but now I realize she hasn't really talked much about what she will be when she grows up anymore. Today when we were talking to her uncle Andrew I told her to tell him what she wants to be when she grows up. She looked at my seriously and said "No mom remember the other day? I don't want to grow up anymore" I LOVE THAT GIRL. I am totally fine with her not growing up for a long time. :)

Whoooah we're half way there

Today, because my math isn't so good, I have been thinking about how crazy it is that I am half way through this pregnancy. The chorus to the song "Living on a Prayer" has been in my head since yesterday. At some point today I realized a week from today is actually half way but that's not important. I have still been thinking about it quite a bit. Today I am 18 weeks and 4 days along. I am counting 19 weeks and 4 days as half way since I will have to have a c-section at 39 weeks. Which should be March 14th if all goes as planned.

I have felt the baby move a few times a day over the past week or so. It's such a crazy thing. Soon these little kicks will get much stronger and be more frequent. I still have thoughts from time to time that this could all be taken away at any moment, this is true though for any pregnant women regardless of her history. All my losses were very early and I have only made it this far with Eislynn and my current pregnancy. The other night I had the first twinge of "it's not supposed to be like this" that I have had this pregnancy. Until now I have just been grateful, so so very grateful, for each day that I have made it through. The other night though after giving myself  particularly painful shot I looked at my bruised up belly and let out a few tears. It was a fleeting moment of feeling sorry for myself but it was still real. I know many women have had to go through worse things to get/stay pregnant or have not been able to have children at all. I do feel blessed that I have been given this gift but sometimes those shots hurt and lately they have been bruising more than usual. I just have to believe that in  just a few months I will be holding my new baby and all this pain will be just a memory. It will become a story of love and endurance; the story of a baby who was very much so wanted and loved before HE ever arrived. :)

studies

I read an article recently talking about a new study published about recurrent pregnancy loss. I have heard of a similar study before and couldn't agree more with it's findings. Basically it took a look at "super-fertile" women. Women who get pregnant very easily but then miscarry just as easily. I feel like I fall into this category. I have been pregnant 7 times. Each of those times I got pregnant the first month we tried. This is not typical. The average healthy couple should get pregnant within one year of trying and each month you have about a 25% chance of getting pregnant. Getting pregnant on the first time every time 7 times is very unlikely. The idea here is that an overly fertile woman's uterus is basically not fussy. It is not capable of distinguishing good from bad embryos. In a month where a good embryo is not available most women just won't get pregnant but a super fertile women's uterus will implant even a bad embryo, one that has no chance of survival. So it's kind of a numbers game really. You need to get pregnant on a month where there is a good embryo waiting to implant. (A little side note I got Eislynn a shirt for Easter that said "mommy's good egg" to me it was a tongue in cheek nod to this theory. To anyone that saw her it was a cute Easter shirt :) I told Cole my thought process when I bought the shirt...I think he thought I had gone crazy)

I think this theory is probably the one that best applies to me. I don't think I should have ever had one single drop of those intralipids I paid so much for and put so much faith in. I don't know that I believe I actually need to be on lovenox right now either but I've come this far and I'm not going to stop taking it now! I think the most important part (medically) was finding something/someone to believe in. Our new RE was so refreshing in the way he wasn't making any promises. He pretty much said "Do I think you will have another baby? Given your medical history and tests that have been run, yes. Can I tell you how or when? No." Although this doesn't sound THAT comforting it strangely was. He still had a plan and a back up plan for if we wanted to be more aggressive, but he wasn't saying he knew exactly what was going on. My last RE acted like he KNEW what the problem was and he HAD the solution. He didn't though. Doctors know very little about recurrent miscarriage and even less when it comes to unexplained recurrent miscarriage.

This Wednesday I have a 3d Ultrasound with my RE. It will be the last one I have with them and then I will be released to the care of my OB. This is a huge step. I never thought I would make it. There are still times I can't believe I am pregnant and that it's actually going well. I think part of me thought we would be a family of three forever. We were a happy little family of 3 but one more is what we were wanting!

no big deal

Tonight was.....amusing? While saying prayers with Eislynn I got a little giggle when she thanked God for "the dinosaurs being dead" because ya know they might step on her house if they were still around so she was thankful they are extinct. It was one of those nights where she was up and down a handful of times but finally I thought she was sleeping so I went downstairs. I was reading a blog about moms. About letting go a bit and how even if you feel like you are failing you really aren't..blah blah blah that kind of stuff. Then I hear it. The little pitter patter of feet. Then a tiny quiet little voice "mom, I'm sorry I pooped my pants" At this point I don't have anything left to do but laugh (while trying not to). I tell her it's ok and we will get it all cleaned up. She apologized again and I again said it was ok and we needed to go get cleaned up. I ask if there is any in her bed or just in her underwear. Luckily it was only a tiny little one in her underwear and made for very easy clean up. A few more times in her cute sleepy voice she says "sorry for doing that". No big deal, this is only the second accident she has had at night time since being potty trained a few months ago. I took the underwear off and set them with the ones that were already in the sink from an hour ago when she was on the toilet but somehow still managed to pee on her underwear and pj pants. All in a days work. :)

beauty in the day

I don't know who this post is for or why I feel the need to write it. It's more than anything for myself now and my future self. Tonight I have felt compelled to write about my day. It was nothing fantastic or out of the ordinary but that's also what made it so beautiful. It was kind of a perfectly balanced day. There were the usual stresses that come with the territory of raising a small child but there were the simple pleasures as well. Our day started a bit rough. There was crying and screaming (by the 2 year old not me) before breakfast even started. However, that was also a learning moment. A learning moment for each of us. I explained she couldn't behave that way and gave her an alternative way to express what she wanted to me. This helped us both and we moved on. At 9 two of our friends came over while their mom went to an appointment. Two other friends joined us for play time as well. It went as smoothly as can go with a house full of 4 children all under 4 needing to share, behave, play nice. We had fun though with very minimal crying all around. E and I then went and got lunch at Subway and brought it to the park. There was no one else there and we had each other's full attention. We sat and talked. We talked about silly things, about funny dreams, about Barney, about why the doodlebops weren't at the park with us even though E really would like them to be, about why Tinker Bell doesn't live in our backyard and where it is she does possibly live in comparison to our back yard, about the school across the street and the kids playing outside, about school and she told me she really hopes the kids in Grandma Darlene's class are nice to her and have good manners because that's what she will do when she goes to school, about the night before when her and a girl hit heads at the park and instead of saying sorry and moving on E cried because she felt bad; we discussed what the right thing to do in this situation would be so now she knows if something like that happens again. This was the best part of the day. Just the two of us hanging out talking about life. I think that truly talking and truly listening is such a lost art these days. I didn't once pick up my phone to look at it, the tv wasn't on in the background, it was just us in the shade at our tiny picnic table. This is not a moment we have every day but it should be.

The rest of the day was just as usual as most. Played at home, made supper, hung out with Cole for a bit, gave E a bath while we skyped with grandma Darlene, read both grandma Darlene and grandma Rita Ann a bed time story (Chicka Chicka BOOM BOOM because E has it pretty much memorized), said our prayers and E went to bed. Leaving me with time to talk to LeeAnn and then watch Supernatural with Cole. I think it was when I was telling LeeAnn part of E and I's conversation at the park and I got a bit teary eyed that I realized how precious that moment really truly was. I guess I just felt compelled to record the memory to read it again someday maybe when E is moving off to college or maybe when she is about to get married or when she has a little girl of her own.

These are also the days that I can appreciate God's plan. I think about had we already had another baby this exact day wouldn't have happened. Yes, I will have days like this with both E and the second child but this day was just as it should be, it was perfect.

Coincidence?

The other night something rather freaky happened. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it really didn't mean anything and was just a coincidence....but I don't think so. It was like a very literal sign from the universe or God or someone..grandpa? I don't know let me just tell you about it.

I was laying in bed with E listening to the Pandora radio lullaby station as we often do after we read our stories and say our prayers. We cuddle for a few minutes to some music then I leave and ideally she doesn't get up and out of bed 10 times and just goes to sleep :) Anyways, I was about to turn the music off when the song "Closer to Love" come on. It was sort of a surprise because although the station plays all kinds of music from actual kids lullabies to songs by Iron and Wine, I had never heard this particular song on Pandora. It is the song I immediately thought of after I heard my last pregnancy wasn't going to happen. Part of the lyrics are

I'm gonna get there soonYou're gonna be there tooCrying in your roomPraying Lord come throughWe're gonna get there soon
Oh, it's your lightOh, it's your wayPull me out of the darkJust to show me the way
Crying out nowFrom so far awayYou pull me closer to loveCloser to love
Not sure how to unhighlight that. I just copied and pasted it, oh well. Anyways, so i listened to the song and was going to turn it off after that song. I listened to it and was thinking and worrying about my current pregnancy. What would this ultrasound show this coming week? Would this one end just like all the others? I was just laying there worrying. The song was over and I turned off Pandora. The next song kept playing. I was annoyed becaue I was trying to get E to sleep and had decided to turn off the music and it wouldn't stop. It was off the Pandora icon was gone from my phone but the song was still playing. Then it hit me what the music was saying it was a version of the song "Everything's gonna be alright" I normally don't really even like that song but it was a nice version. My phone was literally playing a song that was saying "don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright" over and over it was saying that. Once I realized what it was saying it finally quit playing. I realize from time to time Pandora plays for just a second after you turn it off..but it played for a long time and until I realized what it was saying. Maybe I am over analyzing(and a tad crazy..which is partly true)..but it felt like the kind of "coincidence" that is sort of yelling at you saying seriously how much more obvious can I be here lady.

Viable

Viable, the word swirled around in my head the whole way home. I can not believe he said viable. This is not a term I am used to hearing unless the word "not" is in front of it.

I had an ultrasound on Tuesday. I had my self braced, emotions and hopes guarded, I was prepared for what route I would take when he told me that sorry once again this one won't be the one. I took deep breathes over and over to try and slow my heart a bit as it raced while I watched the clock waiting for Dr. G to come in. He turned on the machine I saw the sac but didn't see anything in it and my fears were confrimed...until Dr. G said this looks like a viable pregnancy in the uterus (first making sure it wasn't ectopic). I think the only thing I said was something along the lines of "seriously?" or "for real?". He continued  on taking measurement including measuring the beats per minute of the baby that although it was hardly a little fuzzy looking spot was still a baby and it had a heart beat. He told me that he obviously can't make any guarantees but that there is no indication that this pregnancy won't work out. Everything is the right size, shape, and in the correct place. I just laid their silently I don't really even know how to react to good news :) He told me about how he had a lady earlier in the day and he baby had passed by the third ultrasound but they knew it didn't look promising from the start. I will have another ultrasound this coming Tuesday. I feel like if I see that precious little fuzzy ball and it has grown into more of a bean and still has a heart beat then I may finally be able to admit that this could be my rainbow baby.

I have been so sick all week. I haven't felt like the best mommy to E. She has been a trooper and a real sweetheart though!

So Proud.

E has been trying to convince me for a few weeks now that she doesn't need to wear "a baby diaper" to bed. I however am just now remembering what it's like to sleep through the night! It took her a while but she got there :). Anyways, finally last night I gave in. She has been watching the diapers go down daily asking if they are gone yet, telling me at night time she just wants panties, I finally decided I better listen to her instead of myself before she changes her mind. So at 7:15 this morning a dry little girl came to wake me up for breakfast. So proud. We have many more nights to go but it's nice to start out on a good note.

side note

This story is a perfect example of why you shouldn't say to someone who just had a miscarriage "it's all in God's plan" I believe God wants me to have another baby but I do not believe he wants me to go through the pain of miscarriages that is just an added step that is happening in the process. I REFUSE to believe God wanted this lady to have a baby at this point in her life. If it was seriously up to God people like her would be infertile not the many wonderful caring couples out there who are. Just saying. I realize there is alot more to it. Alot more to "the plan". Things are never as black and white as they seem. There isn't really much you can say to someone going through this besides sorry that sucks.
 http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/mother-drives-5-week-old-top-car-164426051--abc-news-topstories.html

Happy.

I have been thinking lately. Scary, I know. And one thing that I have noticed is I am very happy and very content. Don't take this post the wrong way I so very much so would like to have another baby. Cole and I both would love to add another child to our family, but at the same time I think it's good to realize that we are still happy.

I think so often these days it's easy to get caught up in the whirl wind of "things" making you happy. If I have another baby then I'll be happy. If I lose 20lbs then I'll be happy. If I get that promotion then I'll be happy. If I get X then that equals happy. Nothing can make you happy if you are not already content. When I think of the happiness we will feel when we finally get to bring a new baby into this family it fills me with so much hope and happiness. I could almost cry at the thought of what that will feel like. It makes me that happy to think about. Yet at the same time I am enjoying my time and my life as it is in this moment. This has really been shown to me a few different times over the past few weeks and I am very grateful for these moments. I need these moments. I need to write about them so if we have another loss I can go back and read this and be reminded that things are good. A few of my older positive posts really helped me through my most recent loss.

This morning Eislynn didn't get up until almost 8 (amazing). She came in to our room and got into bed with Cole and I. We all cuddled as a family and I was wondrously overjoyed and happy. Eislynn asked if we could get up and have breakfast and I told her I needed one more minute to lay there and be happy with my lovely little family. It didn't feel as though something, someone was missing. We were just happy.

I am so grateful that I have a been able to have a decent handle on my emotions and feelings about my losses. This doesn't mean I haven't had some very low lows. I most certainly have. Dark moments, feelings of inadequacy, hate for people that have kids and don't appreciate it, and a few good meltdowns in between.

Something that I know so many women struggle with is seeing babies that were born around the time their's would have been. This is a very legitimate feeling, very real , very raw. One that I would have expected myself to have. However, somehow this feeling has escaped me. A friend came over with her baby that was due the same week in April that I was. He is perfect and tiny and a little miracle. I was surprised that I didn't feel sorrow when I held him. In fact, and again don't get me wrong,  I was sort of glad that I got to hand him back! Knowing my daughter would brush her own teeth and use the potty and go to sleep through the night, while they were going home to a much different situation! Of course when my time comes I will be thankful for those sleepless nights, those horrific blowouts, cranky baby, teething, all the bad that comes with the good. I had to ponder this feeling. Why was I totally unscathed by this? Why doesn't this pull at my heart like I know it does to so many others? I couldn't really come up with an answer other than I just KNOW I will have another baby someday and when that day comes I will be overcome with joy. I will elate in what God has given me. Until then I am very grateful that I have been able to live in the here and now and appreciate what He has already given. Right now I have an amazingly wonderful smart hilarious little daughter, a wonderful husband, great family and friends, comfortable house, and so many other countless blessings. Right now I am thankful and I am happy.

What I am trying to get at is there is nothing that will make you happy unless you are happy with yourself.

I feel like no one can be as happy as a child though! Such unflinching faith, love and joy.

Grown up.

Eislynn is very into talking about what she will do when she is bigger. But as she says "not super super big, just regular big" Right now she is a "tiny big" She is always asking Cole and I what we will be someday when we are grown up too. The other week she was asking Cole if he wanted to be a fire fighter when he grows up. I said well daddy is grown up and he's an engineer. This sort of annoyed her and she said "NOOO you have to do something that you want to do. Maybe like a fire fighter or a bus driver"

Today she asked me what I want to be when I grow up. Again I said I am grown up and I would like to be a mommy. She said "Well that's just regular maybe you want to be ummm like a cowboy? Do you have a rope and a hat? We should get you one so maybe you can be a cowboy" In that moment I couldn't have been happier to be a regular mom :)


Edit 6/3/2012

Today Eislynn would like to be a doctor. Mostly because that's what Daisy is on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse today. Anyways, she told me she wants to be a doctor when she grows up and would like me to be her first patient! Pretty sure she has already helped me heal and grow.

Words

Something I have learned through this whole thing is that words hurt. I have become much more aware of what I say and how I say it.

I do not see a pregnant lady and want to cry or hate her out of jealousy. I do not see a newborn baby and cringe with the sadness of what I do not have. Friday was a really hard day for me. That night we went to the park and there was a lady there with a little baby boy. I said to Cole "aww, I want one" but not necessarily out of sadness or longing anymore that any other women who has "baby fever" and wants a baby. Even on that hardest day seeing a newborn didn't send me into a downward spiral of emotions. No, the thing that gets me is words.

For instance, last week at tumbling class all the moms were talking about babies as they always do because of the 5 of us 3 are pregnant! The non-pregnant lady was saying how she was on bed rest for 6 months with her youngest daughter "it was just the worst thing ever, I would never want to do it again" REALLY? Was it really the worst thing ever? You have one gorgeous little girl there and she looks as healthy as the next kid even though you had to go through some tough times to get her. For me summer time is "the worst" time to be in the rpl club because every pregnant lady is talking about how awful it is to be pregnant. Like every last one of them. "it's just the worst to be so pregnant in the summer" Is it? Is that the worst thing you can think of? For real? THE worst?

Now I am most certainly not saying MY situation is the worst. Not at all. Much like the other peoples situation it just quite frankly sucks. It's no fun, it sucks, no fair, crappy, awful, but not the WORST. I am still sane though. I know these people are not trying to be literal. As a woman who has been pregnant in the summer I will totally admit there was one day I even cried it was so hot! I will never forget it! It was 102 plus ridiculous humidity. My hormones and the heat got the best of me and I cried! So yes, it's no fun and I get that. However, I actually think the summer is a good time to be pregnant but that's a totally different discussion and topic.

Anyways, the point I am getting at is I would now never ask a couple who has been married for a while "When are you guys finally going to have kids?" because that "light-hearted" comment might stab them like a knife. That is a question I have heard people say 100 times and it never struck me as an awful thing to ask someone until this all happened to me. I have been pretty open about my struggles but I know alot of people on the babycenter board have said that they don't even tell their close family. One common theme with RPL is that you are very alone in it even though it is not uncommon. Words hurt. I don't want people to dance around me with their words. I don't want people to feel like they can't talk about their lives, their problems, their issues. Because everyone has their own experiences and everyone has their level of pain in their lives. For that lady who was on bed rest that probably was the worst thing she has had to endure and that is too bad I can't imagine having to do that especially since she had older kids to worry about as well. It's just that saying something was the worst thing ever when your end result was a human life is rather insensitive.

I am reading a book called "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen. Pretty much every lady on the rpl board suggests reading it so I finally bought it. It was only 3.99 on Amazon. In it he talks about how that is the first lesson he learned about rpl is that your good news is not necessarily someone elses and words can hurt. He and his wife had one very easy successful pregnancy. He boasted at work "I just have to look at her and she's pregnant" he recalls how a women left the room after he said that but he didn't think anything of it. Later after he and his wife struggled to have a 2nd child he found out that woman was having fertility problems and his words hurt her even though he was not trying to nor thinking he was hurting anyone.

dammit, damn it

However you spell it, dammit anyways.

Well that was short lived. Met with a new RE on Tuesday. Felt pretty hopeful we really liked him. Definitely liked him more than our current one. Before I left his office he had a nurse do a hcg blood draw on me. She said she would call if there were any concerns otherwise they would see me next Tuesday for an US. Well...at 4:30 yesterday I missed a call from them. I immediately sort of panicked because they were closed but called back at 4:35 and they were still there. She told me my hcg had dropped to 74. It should be closer to 1000 or at a minimum of 300 and def not drop. It had been 164 last week. So that means I will lose this pregnancy too. So maybe I'll get em next time? Lucky number 7? Right?

I got off the phone with the lady and felt like someone had punched me. I didn't know what to do. Eislynn was playing in the bath tub happy as can be but my head was spinning. I knew this was a very real possibility but really can't a girl catch a break around here? I have been doing everything and then some to keep this pregnancy so I just felt hopeless to hear nothing is working! We will have to wait now until December to try again because I most certainly want to be able to go home from my brothers wedding!! So i don't want to be due March-Julyish for traveling purposes. Oh well. I plan to get a personal trainer again and maybe get the rest of this weight off I guess. We will see what the next month or so brings me. I hope my body lets this pregnancy go and I don't have to have surgery. Ugh. Seriously. I realize some people may think that being less than 6 weeks pregnant wouldn't be that devastating to lose. They are wrong. You are in love and full of hopes and dreams from the moment you see that double line on a pregnancy test. It doesn't matter if it's the 4th time you have been pregnant in a year or not. That hope is still there and then crushed. I could already imagine what Eislynn would be like as a big sister at almost 3 1/2. Already picturing what it would be like to hold both my babies and revel in the miracle of life. No matter how many you lose you always have hope that the next one will be the one. A person's a person no matter how small....yep we aren't watching Horton Hears a Who this week :)

This song came to mind immediately.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMRXXBGotnw

the beginning

For most women the first few weeks of pregnancy is a fun blissful time. They get to think of how they will tell their family. Will they come up with something cute and clever? Wait for the right moment? I know this because even after 2 miscarriages I still had hopes of doing this. I had it all planned out. Then came my 3rd miscarriage.

This time around I have already told a handful of people because I am hoping the extra prayers will help us out. They might. For me the first week of pregnancy will include 22 needles. 22 in one week. I will have 7 shots of lovenox, 2 betas drawn, 1 two hour IV of intralipids, 12 needles at acupuncture. My arm is pretty gross looking already! Yesterdays intralipid appointment was kind of brutal on my arm. They couldn't get the IV to drip quite right and did alot of pushing and maneuvering. If this pregnancy works out I am definitely not going to give the credit to the intralipids however at this point I will try just about anything. So here I am in my tiny little cubby at the hospital. For some reason there is no cell reception or internet access in this little hole of a room.

 When I was younger I never imagined that this is what it would be like to have a baby. Yet I know I do have it easier than some people. The clinic I go to is usually pretty empty but this week they are "in cycle" meaning they are doing alot of IVF this week. So there were alot of couples there when I was there. It was kind of sad. If you go to the OB or any other doctor you don't know why everyone is in the waiting room or what they were being told in that finance room off to the right. At the fertility clinic we are all there for the same reason. We all want desperately to bring a new life into this world and we haven't been able to do that on our own.

Round 6..here we go.

I feel like I have learned a new language. One no one wants to speak. No one wants to know and understand but sadly many people do. It's the language on message boards for women with RPL (repeat pregnancy loss). When I first thought about writing this post I realized a lot of people wouldn't even understand what I was talking about. There is so much lingo, abbreviations, medical terms that it's just ridiculous. I used to have to pause and think about what the ladies on these boards were talking about and now I type the same things without even thinking about it! I will try not to use those abbreviations at least because seriously it's confusing :)

First off I got a positive pregnancy test today. This is the start of my 6th pregnancy. Six, seriously, I am 26 years old and this is the 6th time I have been pregnant. What a lot of people don't realize is that means I have had to have all the pregnancy hormones that go along with each of those pregnancies plus a ridiculous amount of pain both physically and emotionally. I guess what I am trying to say is never say to a women suffering from RPL "Well at least you know you can get pregnant". That is a pet peeve of many rplers and they won't feel very comforted. Trust me.

I have so much hope for this pregnancy. So much is different. Timing for one. I think the timing of this pregnancy will prove to be much better than the others. I am going to acupuncture twice weekly. I am taking baby asprin and I finally got prescribed the steroid I had been hoping to get. Most of all I am so much more positive feeling this time. Of course I want to be guarded. The last couple pregnancies I tried to be reserved with my emotions. I didn't really "Think" I would have a baby. I thought I would have another loss..and I did. This time I am putting my faith in a lot of hope and prayer. Good thoughts from friends, good vibes, prayers, whatever it takes. Plus, I have an extra angel on my side this time.

This baby will be my rainbow baby much like Eislynn was my first rainbow baby after our first loss.

Rainbow baby (as explained by a member of babycenter.com)
"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.

silly

Ok last post was a bit depressing so I need to say a few silly things about my little lady.

The other day we were at the Rock Bottom Brewery with her grandma Rita Ann and great aunt Mariann. E was saying "Woo Hoo, woo hoo" she then said "You know why I am saying woo hoo? It's because my lemonade is so good, woo hoo woo hoo"

Today she and I went to Menards. When I would ask her to do something she would say "Whatever" I realized it wasn't to be snotty though. So I said to her "Eislynn, do you realize that it's not nice to say "whatever" like that and it's kind of rude to say that to people?" She said "Oh, I thought it was nice to say" (innocent look on her face) Me: "no, it's rude to say that to people when they ask you to do something" Her: "Oh, ok mommy I sorry" Later in the day I was shampooing the carpet in the living room and asked her to stay out for a few minutes. She said "Yeah, whatever"..thought about it for a second and said "Oh yeah that's rude to say whatever I sorry mommy I sorry, that's rude to say whatever I won't say it to you anymore"

The other day in Colorado she was SO excited because we told her her godmother was coming to Mariann's house. She was just giddy! Any noise she heard she would run to the door and scream  "My godmother is here my godmother is here" She couldn't wait to see if she had wings and ask her if she could do any magic. Finally her godmother arrived! She absolutely FLEW to the door. She jumped off a bench and just ran screaming "MY GODMOTHER IS HERE MY GODMOTHER IS HERE" She stopped when she saw Laura and said "Hi" The rest of the weekend she was quite happy to be around her godmother haha. It was fun.

One year

Today would have been my grandpas 91st birthday. He died 2 months ago almost exactly. I miss him like crazy. That's an understatement. I knew he wouldn't live much longer but at the same time it seemed like he would be here forever. So many people say things like "wow he really lived a long life" and he did. A long and a good one. However, I only got to be part of that for just short of 26 years! That is not a very long time! I hope to have a life like my grandpa. When he was asked what he would change about his life if he could go back and do something different...his reply was "nothing". His life was exactly how it should be.

Today has been kind of hard. Thinking so much of him. Also, it was Easter of last year that we started trying for baby number two. Here I am a year later with 3 losses. It's crazy. Definitely not what I expected. I feel like 2 of the losses were meant to be though. Had I not lost them I wouldn't have been able to spend the time in North Dakota with my grandpa in his last days. I would have either had a 2 week old and not wanted to fly home with a 2 year old and newborn or I would have been too pregnant to fly. I am so glad I was there. When I got to the farm I gave my grandpa a hug. He wasn't doing well. He did manage to say "this is so beautiful". Wow, that was hard to type out. I spent the next few days humbled by the experience and all that was going on. One day grandpa told me it was nice to have his great granddaughter around to entertain everyone. Even though he didn't want to go I am pretty sure he knew what was about to happen. One day we both just stared out the window as I held his hand. He said "well Katie, what do you think?" I said "I don't know grandpa" he said "it's not good is it?" I said "No, I don't think so grandpa" I think we both knew what would be happening in the next week or two but we didn't say much about it but that. The last night that I saw him he held my hand so tightly like he didn't want to let it go. So I kept holding it. Part of me wishes I had stayed longer. Held is hand longer, gave him one more hug. However, the rational part of me knows that no matter how long I had been there I will always wish it was more.

Be your own advocate.

Something that has been a reoccurring theme throughout my journey is that doctors don't necessarily know best and this baby business is NOT a science. At least not one that has definite right or wrong answer. Different doctors have different "theories" but that's about it..slightly educated guesses.
I am feeling really good about life in general lately. I really truly feel, believe, know that I WILL have another baby someday. I just will. Someday, I just will. This is something I know and feel to be true. So after that I just need to figure out what the problem is. Was it timing? Did God know that I needed to be home for almost 3 weeks in Feb to be with my grandpa and that if I had a baby the middle of January or April like I was supposed then I woudn't have been able to do the things I did? Maybe. Or is there something truly wrong with my body and I just have to find the right doctor to help me with the right treatments? Maybe.

I made a very big step forward this week. I talked to my OB about how I just don't trust or feel right about the RE I have been seeing. Just nothing in me says "yes, this is it, this is what I need to be doing and this is the man that will help me make this happen." My OB was very receptive to this and said she agrees that if I don't feel right then it's not and we need to take other steps. I told her what I would like to try..she was ok with part of it but the other part she isn't really comfortable with because it's kind of out of her range knowledge. She told me about another RE that comes down from Rockford and she thought he would be willing to try it with me if I could get an appointment with him. When she said his name I instantly felt better! He's Dr. G...honestly Dr. G because his last name is crazy haha. He is the same man that my acupuncturist recommended. Things have been falling in to place and hopefully Monday I can get an appointment set up to see him next time he is down in the Peoria area...hopefully.

Appropriate Monsters

2 is the best. There is no way my girl can stay this age long enough. Everything is so fun, beautiful, new, and amazing through her eyes. She is just purely happy about the smallest things. At the same time she can be intensely angry over the smallest things too but that's not my point!! I wish I was better at blogging things. As in blog all the hilarious things E tells me. I don't know how many times I laugh a day because of the stories she comes up with or things she does. One story in particular though I just know I need to journal somewhere so here goes :
Last Sunday morning she was sitting at the table coloring before we left for church. She was drawing a "monster" (big squiggly mess) and said "Oh my monster needs more blue" I told her that she was such a good monster drawer. She said "Yeah,(short pause) is that appopiate? (how she says appropriate)" I told her that yes it was appropriate for her to be a good monster drawer. She then asked to watched Monsters Incorporated but called it Monsters Appopiate. I reminded her it was incorporated. She said "oh yeah, incopoated. Ok. "

reasons

Ok, while I am on the theme of how God works in my life here is a bigger picture example beyond traffic and music.

So many people think that I am or should be mad with God. I simply am not. I do not understand why Cole and I can not have another baby when there are many people who do not want or care for their children but I do not believe that God is punishing me. I trust there is a bigger plan and picture. When I had my first mc before Eislynn. I just asked why, why, and why. I was so angry that crack addicts (not the word i used then :)) and other such people had babies but I lost mine. I now see though, whether it truly is what God had planned or if it is just my humble interpretation of his plan, I see a very concise and real reasoning behind it. I actually kind of like this story so I thought I should type it out to remember years from now.

In 2008 when I lost my first pregnancy we had just moved to Peoria, IL. We lived in some not so awesome apartments and were starting to look at houses for when our lease was up. We got the news at my first OB appointment that even though I should have been 9 weeks I was really only measuring 5 and that we wouldn't be having a baby in April. I couldn't get a D & C because of a lady's error at CAT. She had messed up our insurance and we didn't have any at the moment and the procedure was very expensive so we decided to wait it out and hope I miscarried naturally. Life went on. One rainy day I got home from work and the apartment was flooding. So much so that management had to put us up in a hotel. After a week they deemed the apartment liveable and we had to move back in. It was NOT liveable. It had a moldy smell before but now it was just awful almost unbearable. But it was stay there or be homeless. Cole and I got sick. Very sick. We had to go  back to a hotel on our own dime this time though.

Throughout this process we had been searching for a house even faster. Cole's parents were coming to visit us and we had no where to live let alone for them to stay! We ended up making a very quick decision to buy a condo in Washington. It was a bit more than we wanted to spend and we hadn't been looking for condos we were looking for houses with a fenced in yard and at least 3 bedrooms. Here is a quick version of what went down: -houses we had been looking at were all in a bad part of town we didn't realize was THAT bad
                  -seriously lots of robberies or murders in those parts
                  -our apartment management company wouldn't let us out of our lease because they claim we                
                  could still live in our apartment, we had to pay 2,000 to get our of our lease
                  -in the mean time I had to go to the emergency room for excessive bleeding and we now had a
                    big hospital bill coming since we had no insurance.
Life in Illinois was not getting off to the best start! Things picked up though :) Once CAT got things straightened out they did give us some of the money back for the ER visit since it was their fault for the mix up. The Vicodin also helped :)  Anyways...we went on to have Eislynn and that was great. We did however start thinking maybe we had jumped the gun a bit on the condo because it wasn't really the best "investment". Don't worry I am getting to the good stuff....One day Eislynn and I were at the park near our condo and there appeared to be a moms group there. I thought to my self "I wish I knew of a moms group, that would be nice to have/be a part of" Not even two hours later there was a knock on my door and a lady named Chris who lived in another one of the condos was inviting me to join the new moms group at her church. Now if that's not a sign that I was supposed to go to that moms group then I don't know what is! So I went. This moms group has been good for both Eislynn and I. It has lead to many friendships and we now attend the church it's held at as well. Both MOPS and the church make me feel more like part of a community. Without them I think I would be unhappy living in Illinois so far away from friends and family. This would put stress on me, Cole, and Eislynn too. If we hadn't had that miscarriage and all those other bad things happen I don't think we would have jumped so fast into that condo. If we hadn't then I would have never met Chris and would never have found my moms group or my church. Is this really the "reason" maybe, maybe not. All I know is I ended up having a wonderful amazing little girl and ended up meeting wonderful amazing people that I would have never met if it wasn't for the baby before Eislynn. Having an angel up there to watch over you is really quite a blessing.

Given the green light.

LeeAnn and I think I may be slightly psychic. Maybe I don't really believe that but I am very intuitive. I have an uncanny intuition and it is to be followed.

I feel like God is constantly giving us little signs whether they are in obvious form, little "coincidences", or things that aren't as obviously until hindsight. I feel they are all around and many times if you are open to them you can see Him at work in your life. Now, I realize that God doesn't control traffic lights but just hear me out on this story I have to tell. On the way to my ultrasound last month I hit every red light, for real EVERY. I mean even the ones that are NEVER EVER red. The one by Tractor Supply, the first one after you cross the bridge to Peoria, just every single one. I even called Cole to tell him how frustrating this was because I thought I would be late for my appointment. Deep down though I knew what it meant. I knew that the appointment wouldn't go well. "Something" was just telling me this. Even though I had been sick for 1 1/2 months with morning sickness when I normally don't get it and even though I had no reason to believe there wouldn't be a heart beat on that monitor, I just felt it. That was WAY too many red lights stopping me from getting there. That was the same way it had been with my previous two appointments as well when I got the bad news.

I have been researching different things that may help with early recurrent pregnancy loss (rpl) one thing I found interesting and wanted to give a try was acupuncture. I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. If I do it I will end up having to go in sometimes even twice a week for it. This is hard since it takes about 30 minutes to drive there an hour for treatment and then another 30 to drive home. I didn't want to have to rely on friends to watch Eislynn that much each week. I thought however that I would give it a try. I know they would do it for me because I would do it for them. I brought Eislynn over to my cousins house and I went to my first appointment the other week. I kid you not almost EVERY light was green. Like seriously every light. I drove from my house in Washington all the way on 150 until Alan Rd so that's probably like 20 minutes and at least 15 lights. I didn't have to stop until once at Sheridan and then one more time until Alan. That's seriously crazy.  Again not that God spends his time thinking about my Pandora play list but also on this drive the best songs were on my Pandora station. It was just a great drive. Once I got to the office I found out that this place that I picked at "random" has free childcare during your appointments. It is a beautiful office and I fully trust my child would be taken care of well during my appointments.  Will acupuncture plus all this other stuff we are doing really be my answer? I don't know. But right now in this moment I feel as if I have been given the "green light" to go ahead and give it a try. I felt so at peace and happy about the decision. Added bonus the office also takes my insurance and they magically cover acupuncture even though they don't cover anything at my RE's office .

EDIT: Just a little added info. I am not pregnant again already. We are waiting until this spring or summer to try again. Just be healthy and take a little break from it all for a while. Acupuncture is thought to help the lining of your uterus and the quality of your eggs. It can take 2 or 3 months for that to fully take affect as eggs are produced 3 months in advance. Acupuncture can lower the average womans chances of a miscarriage from 21% to 4%. Now, that is for someone who doesn't have bigger problems at play as all women have about a 21% chance of miscarriage each time they get pregnant.

Perspective.

Life hasn't really been going the way I planned it to lately. Cole and I wanted to have a baby shortly after Eislynn turned two. Fast forward to now and we have lost 3 consecutive pregnancies. Spent a whole lot of money trying to get help from a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and are now looking at not having a baby until January after she turns 3 at the very earliest and that's given the scenario in which my next pregnancy goes well. At this point it's hard to think it will given my history.

So many people have said to me "you are so strong". This is inaccurate in that I don't feel strong. I feel helpless and weak. On the other hand there is nothing for me to do but keep on going. Eislynn needs me to be her mommy and I need to be her mommy. The one thing that keeps me positive is thinking about how had my very first pregnancy worked out I wouldn't have Eislynn. Now the logical reality side of my brain knows that I wouldn't be able to imagine any other baby than the baby I did have and I would think that baby was just perfect. The other side of me likes to hold on to the idea that you only have the baby you were meant to have. No other baby would be the one but the one you are given or that chooses you. I guess for now I have to think that we will have another baby and that baby will be exactly the baby we were meant to have. Even if that means we have 4 more losses whatever we have to endure to have that baby will be worth it because that baby will be the baby we were supposed to have. And in the end it's not my plans that matter. Isn't there some quote about how when we make plans, God laughs? Something to that extent. Each loss is hard and painful in many different ways but I have to believe that we will have another baby someday.