I have been thinking lately. Scary, I know. And one thing that I have noticed is I am very happy and very content. Don't take this post the wrong way I so very much so would like to have another baby. Cole and I both would love to add another child to our family, but at the same time I think it's good to realize that we are still happy.
I think so often these days it's easy to get caught up in the whirl wind of "things" making you happy. If I have another baby then I'll be happy. If I lose 20lbs then I'll be happy. If I get that promotion then I'll be happy. If I get X then that equals happy. Nothing can make you happy if you are not already content. When I think of the happiness we will feel when we finally get to bring a new baby into this family it fills me with so much hope and happiness. I could almost cry at the thought of what that will feel like. It makes me that happy to think about. Yet at the same time I am enjoying my time and my life as it is in this moment. This has really been shown to me a few different times over the past few weeks and I am very grateful for these moments. I need these moments. I need to write about them so if we have another loss I can go back and read this and be reminded that things are good. A few of my older positive posts really helped me through my most recent loss.
This morning Eislynn didn't get up until almost 8 (amazing). She came in to our room and got into bed with Cole and I. We all cuddled as a family and I was wondrously overjoyed and happy. Eislynn asked if we could get up and have breakfast and I told her I needed one more minute to lay there and be happy with my lovely little family. It didn't feel as though something, someone was missing. We were just happy.
I am so grateful that I have a been able to have a decent handle on my emotions and feelings about my losses. This doesn't mean I haven't had some very low lows. I most certainly have. Dark moments, feelings of inadequacy, hate for people that have kids and don't appreciate it, and a few good meltdowns in between.
Something that I know so many women struggle with is seeing babies that were born around the time their's would have been. This is a very legitimate feeling, very real , very raw. One that I would have expected myself to have. However, somehow this feeling has escaped me. A friend came over with her baby that was due the same week in April that I was. He is perfect and tiny and a little miracle. I was surprised that I didn't feel sorrow when I held him. In fact, and again don't get me wrong, I was sort of glad that I got to hand him back! Knowing my daughter would brush her own teeth and use the potty and go to sleep through the night, while they were going home to a much different situation! Of course when my time comes I will be thankful for those sleepless nights, those horrific blowouts, cranky baby, teething, all the bad that comes with the good. I had to ponder this feeling. Why was I totally unscathed by this? Why doesn't this pull at my heart like I know it does to so many others? I couldn't really come up with an answer other than I just KNOW I will have another baby someday and when that day comes I will be overcome with joy. I will elate in what God has given me. Until then I am very grateful that I have been able to live in the here and now and appreciate what He has already given. Right now I have an amazingly wonderful smart hilarious little daughter, a wonderful husband, great family and friends, comfortable house, and so many other countless blessings. Right now I am thankful and I am happy.
What I am trying to get at is there is nothing that will make you happy unless you are happy with yourself.