growing up

I know I have already posted about E and what she wants to be when she grows up, but this story deserves another post about it. I want to remember it always.

She is always thinking and talking about what she wants to be when she grows up. Most recently it was a doctor. She will talk about how you have to go to school and teachers will teach you how to be a doctor. She is very interested in how that all works and how you become one. She talked about it all the time. That was until one particular conversation we had.
I was telling her about how she is my good girl and should be my little girl forever and ever. She said she will be my little girl then she will grow up and be a doctor and then she will be my little girl again. I didn't realize it would shatter her world but I told her she wouldn't get to be a little girl again but she would always be my girl. She got the biggest sad eyes, her little lip stuck out, and she looked so sad. Her lip trembled and she asked "I won't get to be little again?" I said "No, you only get older you don't get younger again." She cried and through her tears she looked around the room and said "But I will miss my toys so much" This wasn't one of those times when she cries for some odd reason and it's sort of a tantrum and not adorable. This was cute and sort of actually sad! I had completely rocked her world. I tried to soothe her. I told her about how she would maybe have a little girl of her own and she would get to buy her toys to play with. She thought I meant Cole and I would get a new little girl and that girl would play with her toys and that really got her upset! I did some more soothing. By the time she went to bed (of course this all happened at bed time) she was satisfied knowing that mommy and daddy play with her toys and we are grown ups so she won't be banned from all toys simply because she has grown up.
That all happened a week or two ago. I didn't really think much of it but now I realize she hasn't really talked much about what she will be when she grows up anymore. Today when we were talking to her uncle Andrew I told her to tell him what she wants to be when she grows up. She looked at my seriously and said "No mom remember the other day? I don't want to grow up anymore" I LOVE THAT GIRL. I am totally fine with her not growing up for a long time. :)

Whoooah we're half way there

Today, because my math isn't so good, I have been thinking about how crazy it is that I am half way through this pregnancy. The chorus to the song "Living on a Prayer" has been in my head since yesterday. At some point today I realized a week from today is actually half way but that's not important. I have still been thinking about it quite a bit. Today I am 18 weeks and 4 days along. I am counting 19 weeks and 4 days as half way since I will have to have a c-section at 39 weeks. Which should be March 14th if all goes as planned.

I have felt the baby move a few times a day over the past week or so. It's such a crazy thing. Soon these little kicks will get much stronger and be more frequent. I still have thoughts from time to time that this could all be taken away at any moment, this is true though for any pregnant women regardless of her history. All my losses were very early and I have only made it this far with Eislynn and my current pregnancy. The other night I had the first twinge of "it's not supposed to be like this" that I have had this pregnancy. Until now I have just been grateful, so so very grateful, for each day that I have made it through. The other night though after giving myself  particularly painful shot I looked at my bruised up belly and let out a few tears. It was a fleeting moment of feeling sorry for myself but it was still real. I know many women have had to go through worse things to get/stay pregnant or have not been able to have children at all. I do feel blessed that I have been given this gift but sometimes those shots hurt and lately they have been bruising more than usual. I just have to believe that in  just a few months I will be holding my new baby and all this pain will be just a memory. It will become a story of love and endurance; the story of a baby who was very much so wanted and loved before HE ever arrived. :)