Words

Something I have learned through this whole thing is that words hurt. I have become much more aware of what I say and how I say it.

I do not see a pregnant lady and want to cry or hate her out of jealousy. I do not see a newborn baby and cringe with the sadness of what I do not have. Friday was a really hard day for me. That night we went to the park and there was a lady there with a little baby boy. I said to Cole "aww, I want one" but not necessarily out of sadness or longing anymore that any other women who has "baby fever" and wants a baby. Even on that hardest day seeing a newborn didn't send me into a downward spiral of emotions. No, the thing that gets me is words.

For instance, last week at tumbling class all the moms were talking about babies as they always do because of the 5 of us 3 are pregnant! The non-pregnant lady was saying how she was on bed rest for 6 months with her youngest daughter "it was just the worst thing ever, I would never want to do it again" REALLY? Was it really the worst thing ever? You have one gorgeous little girl there and she looks as healthy as the next kid even though you had to go through some tough times to get her. For me summer time is "the worst" time to be in the rpl club because every pregnant lady is talking about how awful it is to be pregnant. Like every last one of them. "it's just the worst to be so pregnant in the summer" Is it? Is that the worst thing you can think of? For real? THE worst?

Now I am most certainly not saying MY situation is the worst. Not at all. Much like the other peoples situation it just quite frankly sucks. It's no fun, it sucks, no fair, crappy, awful, but not the WORST. I am still sane though. I know these people are not trying to be literal. As a woman who has been pregnant in the summer I will totally admit there was one day I even cried it was so hot! I will never forget it! It was 102 plus ridiculous humidity. My hormones and the heat got the best of me and I cried! So yes, it's no fun and I get that. However, I actually think the summer is a good time to be pregnant but that's a totally different discussion and topic.

Anyways, the point I am getting at is I would now never ask a couple who has been married for a while "When are you guys finally going to have kids?" because that "light-hearted" comment might stab them like a knife. That is a question I have heard people say 100 times and it never struck me as an awful thing to ask someone until this all happened to me. I have been pretty open about my struggles but I know alot of people on the babycenter board have said that they don't even tell their close family. One common theme with RPL is that you are very alone in it even though it is not uncommon. Words hurt. I don't want people to dance around me with their words. I don't want people to feel like they can't talk about their lives, their problems, their issues. Because everyone has their own experiences and everyone has their level of pain in their lives. For that lady who was on bed rest that probably was the worst thing she has had to endure and that is too bad I can't imagine having to do that especially since she had older kids to worry about as well. It's just that saying something was the worst thing ever when your end result was a human life is rather insensitive.

I am reading a book called "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen. Pretty much every lady on the rpl board suggests reading it so I finally bought it. It was only 3.99 on Amazon. In it he talks about how that is the first lesson he learned about rpl is that your good news is not necessarily someone elses and words can hurt. He and his wife had one very easy successful pregnancy. He boasted at work "I just have to look at her and she's pregnant" he recalls how a women left the room after he said that but he didn't think anything of it. Later after he and his wife struggled to have a 2nd child he found out that woman was having fertility problems and his words hurt her even though he was not trying to nor thinking he was hurting anyone.

dammit, damn it

However you spell it, dammit anyways.

Well that was short lived. Met with a new RE on Tuesday. Felt pretty hopeful we really liked him. Definitely liked him more than our current one. Before I left his office he had a nurse do a hcg blood draw on me. She said she would call if there were any concerns otherwise they would see me next Tuesday for an US. Well...at 4:30 yesterday I missed a call from them. I immediately sort of panicked because they were closed but called back at 4:35 and they were still there. She told me my hcg had dropped to 74. It should be closer to 1000 or at a minimum of 300 and def not drop. It had been 164 last week. So that means I will lose this pregnancy too. So maybe I'll get em next time? Lucky number 7? Right?

I got off the phone with the lady and felt like someone had punched me. I didn't know what to do. Eislynn was playing in the bath tub happy as can be but my head was spinning. I knew this was a very real possibility but really can't a girl catch a break around here? I have been doing everything and then some to keep this pregnancy so I just felt hopeless to hear nothing is working! We will have to wait now until December to try again because I most certainly want to be able to go home from my brothers wedding!! So i don't want to be due March-Julyish for traveling purposes. Oh well. I plan to get a personal trainer again and maybe get the rest of this weight off I guess. We will see what the next month or so brings me. I hope my body lets this pregnancy go and I don't have to have surgery. Ugh. Seriously. I realize some people may think that being less than 6 weeks pregnant wouldn't be that devastating to lose. They are wrong. You are in love and full of hopes and dreams from the moment you see that double line on a pregnancy test. It doesn't matter if it's the 4th time you have been pregnant in a year or not. That hope is still there and then crushed. I could already imagine what Eislynn would be like as a big sister at almost 3 1/2. Already picturing what it would be like to hold both my babies and revel in the miracle of life. No matter how many you lose you always have hope that the next one will be the one. A person's a person no matter how small....yep we aren't watching Horton Hears a Who this week :)

This song came to mind immediately.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMRXXBGotnw

the beginning

For most women the first few weeks of pregnancy is a fun blissful time. They get to think of how they will tell their family. Will they come up with something cute and clever? Wait for the right moment? I know this because even after 2 miscarriages I still had hopes of doing this. I had it all planned out. Then came my 3rd miscarriage.

This time around I have already told a handful of people because I am hoping the extra prayers will help us out. They might. For me the first week of pregnancy will include 22 needles. 22 in one week. I will have 7 shots of lovenox, 2 betas drawn, 1 two hour IV of intralipids, 12 needles at acupuncture. My arm is pretty gross looking already! Yesterdays intralipid appointment was kind of brutal on my arm. They couldn't get the IV to drip quite right and did alot of pushing and maneuvering. If this pregnancy works out I am definitely not going to give the credit to the intralipids however at this point I will try just about anything. So here I am in my tiny little cubby at the hospital. For some reason there is no cell reception or internet access in this little hole of a room.

 When I was younger I never imagined that this is what it would be like to have a baby. Yet I know I do have it easier than some people. The clinic I go to is usually pretty empty but this week they are "in cycle" meaning they are doing alot of IVF this week. So there were alot of couples there when I was there. It was kind of sad. If you go to the OB or any other doctor you don't know why everyone is in the waiting room or what they were being told in that finance room off to the right. At the fertility clinic we are all there for the same reason. We all want desperately to bring a new life into this world and we haven't been able to do that on our own.

Round 6..here we go.

I feel like I have learned a new language. One no one wants to speak. No one wants to know and understand but sadly many people do. It's the language on message boards for women with RPL (repeat pregnancy loss). When I first thought about writing this post I realized a lot of people wouldn't even understand what I was talking about. There is so much lingo, abbreviations, medical terms that it's just ridiculous. I used to have to pause and think about what the ladies on these boards were talking about and now I type the same things without even thinking about it! I will try not to use those abbreviations at least because seriously it's confusing :)

First off I got a positive pregnancy test today. This is the start of my 6th pregnancy. Six, seriously, I am 26 years old and this is the 6th time I have been pregnant. What a lot of people don't realize is that means I have had to have all the pregnancy hormones that go along with each of those pregnancies plus a ridiculous amount of pain both physically and emotionally. I guess what I am trying to say is never say to a women suffering from RPL "Well at least you know you can get pregnant". That is a pet peeve of many rplers and they won't feel very comforted. Trust me.

I have so much hope for this pregnancy. So much is different. Timing for one. I think the timing of this pregnancy will prove to be much better than the others. I am going to acupuncture twice weekly. I am taking baby asprin and I finally got prescribed the steroid I had been hoping to get. Most of all I am so much more positive feeling this time. Of course I want to be guarded. The last couple pregnancies I tried to be reserved with my emotions. I didn't really "Think" I would have a baby. I thought I would have another loss..and I did. This time I am putting my faith in a lot of hope and prayer. Good thoughts from friends, good vibes, prayers, whatever it takes. Plus, I have an extra angel on my side this time.

This baby will be my rainbow baby much like Eislynn was my first rainbow baby after our first loss.

Rainbow baby (as explained by a member of babycenter.com)
"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.