Thursday, May 17, 2012

dammit, damn it

However you spell it, dammit anyways.

Well that was short lived. Met with a new RE on Tuesday. Felt pretty hopeful we really liked him. Definitely liked him more than our current one. Before I left his office he had a nurse do a hcg blood draw on me. She said she would call if there were any concerns otherwise they would see me next Tuesday for an US. 4:30 yesterday I missed a call from them. I immediately sort of panicked because they were closed but called back at 4:35 and they were still there. She told me my hcg had dropped to 74. It should be closer to 1000 or at a minimum of 300 and def not drop. It had been 164 last week. So that means I will lose this pregnancy too. So maybe I'll get em next time? Lucky number 7? Right?

I got off the phone with the lady and felt like someone had punched me. I didn't know what to do. Eislynn was playing in the bath tub happy as can be but my head was spinning. I knew this was a very real possibility but really can't a girl catch a break around here? I have been doing everything and then some to keep this pregnancy so I just felt hopeless to hear nothing is working! We will have to wait now until December to try again because I most certainly want to be able to go home from my brothers wedding!! So i don't want to be due March-Julyish for traveling purposes. Oh well. I plan to get a personal trainer again and maybe get the rest of this weight off I guess. We will see what the next month or so brings me. I hope my body lets this pregnancy go and I don't have to have surgery. Ugh. Seriously. I realize some people may think that being less than 6 weeks pregnant wouldn't be that devastating to lose. They are wrong. You are in love and full of hopes and dreams from the moment you see that double line on a pregnancy test. It doesn't matter if it's the 4th time you have been pregnant in a year or not. That hope is still there and then crushed. I could already imagine what Eislynn would be like as a big sister at almost 3 1/2. Already picturing what it would be like to hold both my babies and revel in the miracle of life. No matter how many you lose you always have hope that the next one will be the one. A person's a person no matter how small....yep we aren't watching Horton Hears a Who this week :)

This song came to mind immediately.

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