Wednesday, April 11, 2012

One year

Today would have been my grandpas 91st birthday. He died 2 months ago almost exactly. I miss him like crazy. That's an understatement. I knew he wouldn't live much longer but at the same time it seemed like he would be here forever. So many people say things like "wow he really lived a long life" and he did. A long and a good one. However, I only got to be part of that for just short of 26 years! That is not a very long time! I hope to have a life like my grandpa. When he was asked what he would change about his life if he could go back and do something different...his reply was "nothing". His life was exactly how it should be.

Today has been kind of hard. Thinking so much of him. Also, it was Easter of last year that we started trying for baby number two. Here I am a year later with 3 losses. It's crazy. Definitely not what I expected. I feel like 2 of the losses were meant to be though. Had I not lost them I wouldn't have been able to spend the time in North Dakota with my grandpa in his last days. I would have either had a 2 week old and not wanted to fly home with a 2 year old and newborn or I would have been too pregnant to fly. I am so glad I was there. When I got to the farm I gave my grandpa a hug. He wasn't doing well. He did manage to say "this is so beautiful". Wow, that was hard to type out. I spent the next few days humbled by the experience and all that was going on. One day grandpa told me it was nice to have his great granddaughter around to entertain everyone. Even though he didn't want to go I am pretty sure he knew what was about to happen. One day we both just stared out the window as I held his hand. He said "well Katie, what do you think?" I said "I don't know grandpa" he said "it's not good is it?" I said "No, I don't think so grandpa" I think we both knew what would be happening in the next week or two but we didn't say much about it but that. The last night that I saw him he held my hand so tightly like he didn't want to let it go. So I kept holding it. Part of me wishes I had stayed longer. Held is hand longer, gave him one more hug. However, the rational part of me knows that no matter how long I had been there I will always wish it was more.

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