My mind is a jumbly mess right now. This will be a mess. That's sort of how my life is right now though so I guess that's appropriate.
I have thought of one zillion and two things to write in the last 4 months. None of them ever make it to the screen. All the things just bounce around and around in my head. I'm about to explode and need to get some of them out.
First off a house is just a house. It is just brick, wood, and what not. A home is SO SO much more. A home is your security. It's where when the rest of the world is crazy you can go to find your zen. It's your hide-a-way from the rest of the world. A little piece of the world that is YOURS. In your home you know where everything is and how to find it in the dark. When your baby is sick and needs vicks at 3 a.m. you know exactly where to find it in your sleepy stupor. Even beyond your walls there is your community, your neighbors, your gym, your park, those people down the street that have a flag on their door for every season you may not know them but you know they will always have a decorative flag and there is comfort in predictability, the lady that greets you at Walmart, the workers at the grocery store, you may not even realize it but you recognize so many more people that you even know and there is comfort in that. It helps make up your home. There were a few people I could always count on walking past our house at a certain time. They would be out with their dogs and we may exchange a few pleasantries or just a nod but we "knew" each other. This is what I miss.
Eislynn is already asking if we will be able to go to "touch down Washington" games this fall. That's what she calls football. In all likely hood we will not be home before football season ends. This makes me sad. We won't be able to ride our bikes to the field to watch. We wont be able to play out back in the crisp fall air and hear the band play or the announcer yell "touch down Washington". It may seem silly that this is what I am sad about, but it is incredibly hard to actually explain what this is like.
I didn't just lose my house/home. I lost my routine. I lost what I do from day to day. I am a mom. My home is my job and my solace. I can no longer take my kids to the park near our house. I can't take my kids to any of the parks where we may run in to our friends. We have to make play dates where friends have to drive 20+ minutes to see us. We can't do our morning routine of running to the gym and grocery store. The gym is no longer 3 minutes away. It is now a big ordeal to go there. Eislynn's school is no longer 5 minutes away. I must leave 30 minutes earlier and I can't come home while she is there. I used to be able to go home maybe do some laundry, wash the floors, prep dinner just whatever I needed to do while Graham took his morning nap. Watch a non kid show, take a walk on the bike trail with Graham sleeping in the stroller, just anything. Now I drive around. I drive around a city that a tornado ripped to shreds. Four months later it still brings instant tears when I see an elderly couple looking over the rubble of their home. Will they find one last treasure? Is this their last look before they put their lot up for sale? There are some I recognize. I didn't know many of them but I recognize them. They took such pride in their lawns and homes. They took their grandchildren for rides on their riding lawn mowers on Sunday's.
So that's some of the frustrating things. I still have no end in sight. That's frustrating. I NEED to know this will end. I need my house to get started so I have an end date. At this point I don't have an end date and that is so hard. All I know is I am not even half way through this.
To not sound all doomy and gloomy I should add there are so many blessings. So many amazing people have come to our aid. Friends, family, and even strangers from all over have helped us out beyond anything we could even ask and for that we are exceedingly grateful. I can't even begin to mention all the people and how they've helped us because we have been just THAT blessed. Blessed beyond words.