So Proud.

E has been trying to convince me for a few weeks now that she doesn't need to wear "a baby diaper" to bed. I however am just now remembering what it's like to sleep through the night! It took her a while but she got there :). Anyways, finally last night I gave in. She has been watching the diapers go down daily asking if they are gone yet, telling me at night time she just wants panties, I finally decided I better listen to her instead of myself before she changes her mind. So at 7:15 this morning a dry little girl came to wake me up for breakfast. So proud. We have many more nights to go but it's nice to start out on a good note.

side note

This story is a perfect example of why you shouldn't say to someone who just had a miscarriage "it's all in God's plan" I believe God wants me to have another baby but I do not believe he wants me to go through the pain of miscarriages that is just an added step that is happening in the process. I REFUSE to believe God wanted this lady to have a baby at this point in her life. If it was seriously up to God people like her would be infertile not the many wonderful caring couples out there who are. Just saying. I realize there is alot more to it. Alot more to "the plan". Things are never as black and white as they seem. There isn't really much you can say to someone going through this besides sorry that sucks.
 http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/mother-drives-5-week-old-top-car-164426051--abc-news-topstories.html

Happy.

I have been thinking lately. Scary, I know. And one thing that I have noticed is I am very happy and very content. Don't take this post the wrong way I so very much so would like to have another baby. Cole and I both would love to add another child to our family, but at the same time I think it's good to realize that we are still happy.

I think so often these days it's easy to get caught up in the whirl wind of "things" making you happy. If I have another baby then I'll be happy. If I lose 20lbs then I'll be happy. If I get that promotion then I'll be happy. If I get X then that equals happy. Nothing can make you happy if you are not already content. When I think of the happiness we will feel when we finally get to bring a new baby into this family it fills me with so much hope and happiness. I could almost cry at the thought of what that will feel like. It makes me that happy to think about. Yet at the same time I am enjoying my time and my life as it is in this moment. This has really been shown to me a few different times over the past few weeks and I am very grateful for these moments. I need these moments. I need to write about them so if we have another loss I can go back and read this and be reminded that things are good. A few of my older positive posts really helped me through my most recent loss.

This morning Eislynn didn't get up until almost 8 (amazing). She came in to our room and got into bed with Cole and I. We all cuddled as a family and I was wondrously overjoyed and happy. Eislynn asked if we could get up and have breakfast and I told her I needed one more minute to lay there and be happy with my lovely little family. It didn't feel as though something, someone was missing. We were just happy.

I am so grateful that I have a been able to have a decent handle on my emotions and feelings about my losses. This doesn't mean I haven't had some very low lows. I most certainly have. Dark moments, feelings of inadequacy, hate for people that have kids and don't appreciate it, and a few good meltdowns in between.

Something that I know so many women struggle with is seeing babies that were born around the time their's would have been. This is a very legitimate feeling, very real , very raw. One that I would have expected myself to have. However, somehow this feeling has escaped me. A friend came over with her baby that was due the same week in April that I was. He is perfect and tiny and a little miracle. I was surprised that I didn't feel sorrow when I held him. In fact, and again don't get me wrong,  I was sort of glad that I got to hand him back! Knowing my daughter would brush her own teeth and use the potty and go to sleep through the night, while they were going home to a much different situation! Of course when my time comes I will be thankful for those sleepless nights, those horrific blowouts, cranky baby, teething, all the bad that comes with the good. I had to ponder this feeling. Why was I totally unscathed by this? Why doesn't this pull at my heart like I know it does to so many others? I couldn't really come up with an answer other than I just KNOW I will have another baby someday and when that day comes I will be overcome with joy. I will elate in what God has given me. Until then I am very grateful that I have been able to live in the here and now and appreciate what He has already given. Right now I have an amazingly wonderful smart hilarious little daughter, a wonderful husband, great family and friends, comfortable house, and so many other countless blessings. Right now I am thankful and I am happy.

What I am trying to get at is there is nothing that will make you happy unless you are happy with yourself.

I feel like no one can be as happy as a child though! Such unflinching faith, love and joy.

Grown up.

Eislynn is very into talking about what she will do when she is bigger. But as she says "not super super big, just regular big" Right now she is a "tiny big" She is always asking Cole and I what we will be someday when we are grown up too. The other week she was asking Cole if he wanted to be a fire fighter when he grows up. I said well daddy is grown up and he's an engineer. This sort of annoyed her and she said "NOOO you have to do something that you want to do. Maybe like a fire fighter or a bus driver"

Today she asked me what I want to be when I grow up. Again I said I am grown up and I would like to be a mommy. She said "Well that's just regular maybe you want to be ummm like a cowboy? Do you have a rope and a hat? We should get you one so maybe you can be a cowboy" In that moment I couldn't have been happier to be a regular mom :)


Edit 6/3/2012

Today Eislynn would like to be a doctor. Mostly because that's what Daisy is on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse today. Anyways, she told me she wants to be a doctor when she grows up and would like me to be her first patient! Pretty sure she has already helped me heal and grow.